Should We Get Married Despite My Suitor’s Mother’s Refusal?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am a female who is 26 years old and is looking to marry someone who is younger than me, 23. He understands why one should marry early, considering his age and also to avoid fitna, but his mom does not approve of him marrying at a young age. He is a revert from Shi`a to a practicing Sunni Muslim, but his family is not, and they are not practicing Muslims either. We both are confused about whether we should go ahead, and we are doing istikhara. Is this maybe an obstacle as a result of doing istikhara, and we should maybe not go ahead with it? Please advise.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your confusion about what to do, and I pray that you find a solution where every party is satisfied and where your objectives are pleasing to Allah.

Permission

Islamically, your suitor does not need permission from his parents to marry you, so your nikah would be valid. However, you must decide whether this is the best thing for both of you, as starting off married life with happy parents makes all the difference. Keep doing your istikhara, up to seven times, in sha Allah, Allah will make it clear. You are choosing this man for religion, so you are already headed in the right direction. Age is of no consequence.

Options

Here are your choices.

1. He can work to persuade his family and, ideally, marry you with their consent.
2. He can marry you without their consent. This is less than ideal, and it will be hard. He may be cut off by them, but he must still reach out and visit them, and show love and respect while shielding you from their anger. Most parents come around when children come.
3. You can end the relationship and not make him choose between you and his parents, removing the ultimatum from his life.

Be honest with yourself about what you are able to do, and don’t act in haste or lust. In most cases, by the grace of Allah, parents can be convinced, if children are patient and approach them with wisdom and tact. Please take a course on marriage and prepare yourself in the meantime.

Please see these links as well:

• Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life.
• Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.