Moving out and mending the relationship with parents

Question: Is it permissible to live alone as a single woman to get away from a toxic, broken background? My mom and I have been verbally and physically violent with each other. We struggle to communicate and bond due to her cultural mentality. She has always exposed me, lied about me, and embarrassed me publicly because of her PTSD, and she constantly brings up the past. I also have PTSD, and black magic has destroyed our lives. I am in the process of getting help for black magic from a trusted person. Also, my relationship with my father has been broken for 10 years. He remarried & has not been in my life since I was a child.  We have spent 2-3 years on and off with each other due to my sins being wrongfully exposed that dishonored my parents. He has forgiven me, but we don’t have a bond. Will I be forgiven if my parents have forgiven me but don’t have a strong relationship with me? How can I keep them and Allah happy? I don’t want to be denied Paradise because of this. Also, I want to start a business. Is showing your lifestyle & success to the public for marketing reasons acceptable? Or should it be kept as limited?

Answer:

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and worry. I pray that you gradually get along better with your parents over the years and come to see motherhood yourself, which is a valuable lesson in understanding parents.

Living alone

It is permissible for you to live alone, but not somewhat disliked. Please see these answers for details:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-woman-live-alone/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/can-an-unmarried-young-woman-live-alone/
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophetic-guidance/harms-of-aloneness-the-prophets-firm-discouragement-of-living-or-travelling-alone/

Building a bond with parents

You don’t need to get stressed out about your relationship with your parents. It is right for you to be duly concerned and not despair or try to achieve perfection because that doesn’t exist.  Please see this link to learn about goodness to your parents:
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/prophetic-guidance/serve-parents-now-late/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/obeying-ones-parents-and-maintaining-ties-of-kinship/

Anger and communication

Your focus right now should be to dissipate your anger when you are with your mother. It is not permissible for you to get violent or hit her. Learn how to walk away before your anger gets triggered and learn how to communicate effectively and logically without getting emotional. Try to get into a routine with. For example, vacuum on Mondays, make dinner on Tuesdays, take her out to coffee on Wednesdays. Mothers love routine, and they love when they know what to expect from their children. These will actually be set acts of worship for your mother.

As for your father, instead of calculating how strong your relationship is, try your best. You will be rewarded according to your intention, by the grace of Allah. Call him regularly, drop him a text message, and let him know that you are thinking of him. Get together with him as often as is healthy and stress-free for both of you. Please send him a gift at least once a year.

Turn to Allah for everything.

Use the powerful tool of du`a. Allah is there to hear your repentance, and He is there to answer your du`as. Seek proximity and shun anything that doesn’t lead you to His pleasure. Pray the Prayer of Need as often as you wish, and pray Istikhara for your decisions. Learn your obligatory knowledge and fulfill your obligations to Allah first. When you put Allah first, he helps you fulfill your obligations to everyone else easily, and the pieces fall in place.

The Prophet, may Alla bless him and give him peace, said, “Allah descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the first part of the night is over and says: I am the Lord; I am the Lord: who is there to supplicate Me so that I answer him? Who is there to beg of Me so that I grant him? Who is there to beg forgiveness from Me so that I forgive him? He continues like this till the day breaks.“ [Muslim]

May Allah reward you and bless you for trying your best.

[Ustadh] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.