How to Explain the Advantages of Marrying Young to My Family?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I am an 18-year-old college student in India. I have told my mother that I wish to marry, but she said that it would be shameful for our family to get married young, without a job or qualification. She said marrying early, as in Islam, is an ancient idea that isn’t for our time. She will not even let me marry in my early twenties because there is no hurry! It doesn’t occur to her that I am human and have desires.
Sometimes I think that I should just go and enjoy myself as others do. The way girls dress in college has been shocking and I see couples everywhere. And my parents want to send me abroad for studies. I want to establish Salah in my life, and I want to be a good son to my parents. Please help.
Thank you for your honest question. Yes, college can be a troubling world for a young man in the East or West. I empathize with that.
It sounds to me like you will have to come to a compromise with your mother. You want her support, but at the same time, you want to keep yourself chaste.
Lower Your Gaze
Allah, Most High, says, “(O Prophet!) Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity. That is purer for them.” [Quran, 24:30]
Abu Hurayra reported Allah’s Messenger, may Allah bless him and give him peace, as saying, “Allah fixed the very portion of adultery which a man will indulge in. There would be no escape from it. The adultery of the eye is the lustful look and the adultery of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk) and the adultery of the tongue is licentious speech and the adultery of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace) and the adultery of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit adultery and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect.“ [Muslim]
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “I am not leaving behind me a more harmful trial for men than women”. [Bukhari; Muslim]
Understand from this hadith that restraining the opposite sex is a young person’s great feat. It is not easy, but doing so entails a tremendous reward and benefit.
As long as you indulge in eye candy, you will suffer from the consequences. Train yourself not to take a second glance and to turn away from an uncovered woman. Make some dhikr, or bless the Prophet and seek refuge from the Shaytan. This will become a habit in sha Allah, and you will find it second nature to turn away and ignore it. Don’t worry about being rude, training yourself is more important.
Marry If You Can
It was narrated that Abdullah (Allah be pleased with him) said, “The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said to us: ‘O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity, and whoever cannot then he should fast, for it will be a restraint (wija’) for him.’” [Nasai]
After mastering your gaze and not getting too close to any one woman, you might have sufficient control over your ego (nafs) and perhaps can look to marriage. First, are you fulfilling all your obligations to Allah? Make sure you fast and pray on time, pay your zakat, and read the Quran every day. Eat only the halal, pray the Friday prayer, and learn your personally obligatory knowledge.
You must see if you have the means to support a girl in a separate home, or if your parents can help. Embarking on the search to find a religious girl who is similar to you in wealth, ancestry and beauty is a big job. It could take a while. Don’t hasten to marry just to fulfill your urges, because a great responsibility comes with it.
Getting married while you study won’t be easy either. You may not be able to fulfill her rights while you are a student. Although, there is no problem in and of itself, marrying a student usually means a lot of sacrifices will have to be had. Pray Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance to see if this is good for you.
It seems to me that your mom can compromise on this issue if you talk to her seriously when you get a job. Kindly tell her that you have waited long enough and that you need her help to find you a wife. Tell her that fearing Allah is more important than fearing what people will say. Be polite and loving and involve her even if she doesn’t agree. You may or may not remind her that a mother’s permission in Islam is not necessary for a man to marry. Gentle coaxing should be enough, especially if you have found someone suitable.
Going abroad will not make it easier if you are single, but I commend you for keeping chaste and wanting to establish your prayers. May Allah make that easy for you. Memorize this dua in Arabic from the Qur`an to help you establish your prayers. “O my Lord! make me one who establishes regular Prayer, and also (raise such) among my offspring O our Lord! and accept Thou my Prayer.” [Quran, 14:40]
رَبِّ اجْعَلْنِي مُقِيمَ الصَّلَاةِ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِي رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَاءِ
Until Then, Fast
Until you are able to marry, fast regularly, about twice a week. This means restraining yourself, not just from food, but from listening to lustful talk/music, looking at lustful videos, or speaking of your desires. All of your senses should fast. Believe me, this stage of intense sexual urges will pass, may Allah help you through it.
Kindly see these readings:
Controlling Sexual Desires When Marriage Is “Put on Hold”
How Do Students With No Money Deal With Sexual Urges?
May Allah Most High give you well-being and ease. Please see the links below for more information.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.