How Do We Deal with the Devastation of Finding Out Our Son Is Gay?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I just listened to your podcast #13, “The Lawful & The Prohibited,” and felt that you’re talking about my son! We’re in Canada, he’s 18, and only a month ago we found out that he’s gay. We’re devastated. We tried to seek help on how to handle the situation, but he ended up leaving the house anyway!
He is refusing help and doesn’t want to change! How can we help and guide him back? Please refer us to trained scholars or counselors.
Answer
Thank you for your question. This is not an easy situation and I pray that your son finds the truth of what he should do. All you can do now is nurture your relationship with him.
Islam
You, his parents, are his biggest connection to Islam right now. You should be the Islamic inspiration in his life, and seeing you should remind him of God. Be the best Muslim that you can be since you need to serve as a role model. Don’t miss your prayers, learn about your religion, read some Quran with meaning daily, serve others, give charity and help others in need, and don’t engage in usury. Show him that Allah and His Messenger come first in your life.
Bond
Spend time with him, nurture your relationship with him, go out with him, and make sure that you and your husband are constants in his life. He should feel loved by you, not hated, despite his life choices. Meet outside for meals or coffee and call him regularly. Talk about everything else under the sun, not just his lifestyle.
If he won’t move back in, let him at least feel like you are still a big part of his life. When he feels close to you again, he will start reflecting on his choices.
If he is living with a man or boyfriend, you might want to introduce Islam to him. Give him books, and give him the Quran with a good English translation. Perhaps he will be your son’s path to salvation. Things work in wondrous ways. People can change in an instant, and situations can be changed overnight. Anything is possible.
Rely on Allah
Your only hope is that he turns to Islam and makes the right choice for himself. You can’t force it. This is his test and you have to let him make mistakes, no matter how heartbreaking, before he realizes the truth. The door of repentance is always open and it’s up to him to open it. Ask Allah to guide him and pray for him before dawn when Allah is keen to answer supplication. Pray the Prayer of Need.
Please remember that Allah Most High forgives all sins, and one should never despair: Allah Most High has told us in the Quran,
“Say: My servants who have wronged yourselves, never despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” [Quran, 39:53]
See how much Allah is prepared to forgive: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us,
“Allah, Blessed is He and Most High, said: ‘O son of Adam! Verily as long as you called upon Me and hoped in Me, I forgave you, despite whatever may have occurred from you, and I did not mind. O son of Adam! Were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky, then you sought forgiveness from Me, I would forgive you, and I would not mind. O son of Adam! If you came to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you met Me not associating anything with Me, I would come to you with forgiveness nearly as great as it.’” [Tirmidhi]
See how special tahajjud time is: The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Our Lord, Who is blessed and exalted, descends every night to the lowest heaven when the last one-third of the night remains and says: Who supplicated Me so that I may answer him? Who asks of Me so that I may give to him? Who asks My forgiveness so that I may forgive him?” [Tirmidhi]
Community
Some from your community will inevitably find out about this. Don’t worry, ignore it, and don’t talk to anyone about it that doesn’t offer you practical advice, care, and concern. Let those who will gossip, gossip, and find joy in taking their good deeds from them. Don’t be apologetic, for they have nothing to do with it, and just ask for their prayers if they bring it up. It may be that your son’s actions will separate your real friends from those who don’t benefit you. May Allah guide us all and ease our affairs.
Counsellors
I am not familiar with trained local scholars on this matter but feel free to drop by the SeekersGuidance center in Mississauga. Insha’Allah, you will find some benefits and guidance there.
Dua
Please say this dua from the Quran daily:
رَبَّنَا وَٱجْعَلْنَا مُسْلِمَيْنِ لَكَ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِنَآ أُمَّةًۭ مُّسْلِمَةًۭ لَّكَ وَأَرِنَا مَنَاسِكَنَا وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَآ ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلتَّوَّابُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ
“Our Lord, make us devoted to You; make our descendants into a community devoted to You. Show us how to worship and accept our repentance, for You are the Ever-relenting, the Most Merciful.” [Quran, 2:2128]
And this Quranic dua as well:
رَبِّ ٱجْعَلْنِى مُقِيمَ ٱلصَّلَوٰةِ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِى ۚ رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلْ دُعَآءِ
“My Lord! Make me and those ˹believers˺ of my descendants keep up prayer. Our Lord! Accept my prayers.” [Quran, 14:40]
Please see these links as well:
- How Can a Muslim Deal With Homosexual Inclinations?
- Is It Permissible to Disown an Actively Homosexual Family Member?
- What Should I Say to My 13-Year-Old Who Has Same-Gender Interest?
- Tackling Homosexual Feelings: Supplication, Repentance, and Going Cold Turkey
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
