How Do I Deal with a Mother Who Constantly Accuses Me of Sexual Sins?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I have an abusive mother who keeps accusing me of doing immoral acts for no reason. She has accused my sister and me of committing zina (fornication) many times. If my period comes late, she will accuse me. If I take a shower two days in a row, she will accuse me. If I make sure I look presentable before going outside (without makeup), she will accuse me. If she notices me taking care of myself as a woman should, she will accuse me. I am really tired of this, and it hurts deeply. Please help me. What is the ruling for accusing someone of zina?
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your mother is treating you like this; you and your sister don’t deserve it. I pray that she resolves her internal issues and wakes up to what she is doing.
Accusing someone innocent of fornication is severely warned against in the Quran, as our mother `A’isha was accused of adultery and then was later exonerated by Allah Most High.
Allah mentions in the Quran, “Surely those who accuse chaste, unsuspecting, believing women are cursed in this life and the Hereafter. And they will suffer a tremendous punishment, on the Day their tongues, hands, and feet will testify against them for what they used to do. On that Day, Allah will give them their just penalty in full, and they will (come to) know that Allah (alone) is the Ultimate Truth.” [Quran, 24:23-25]
And Allah, the Exalted, says in the same chapter: “Those who accuse chaste women (of adultery) and fail to produce four witnesses, give them eighty lashes (each). And do not ever accept any testimony from them—for they are indeed the rebellious—except those who repent afterwards and mend their ways, then surely Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Quran, 24:4-5]
Of course, in modern society, where Islamic law is not used by the government, your mother will not be condemned to this punishment, but she is nevertheless sinful. She is harming her relationship with her daughters, losing their trust and she will undoubtedly face the harm that her own hands have brought.
In the face of such a challenge, I urge you to deal with her as I would urge any child of emotional abuse. Leave the room when she starts talking like this and ask her politely to stop the accusations. Don’t dignify her questions with an answer and just make dhikr. Even staying silent is great respect toward her. When you feel very angry toward her, remember that she has deep-seated issues, probably from her childhood, and pain that was never addressed and that she doesn’t know any better. Ask Allah to help her as well.
Remember Allah’s words: “Obey Allah and His Messenger and do not dispute with one another, or you would be discouraged and weakened. Be patient! Surely Allah is with those who are patient.” [Quran, 8:46]
Turn to Allah
In the meanwhile, turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslima that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends down that He cannot solve, so ask in supplication for His mercy and kindness. He will surely come to your aid.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Please see these links as well:
Being slandered for a crime one is innocent of
Is It Bad That I Do Not Love My Mother Because of All the Stress That She Gives Me?
How Can I Help My Abusive Mother and Help Myself?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.