What Is the Best Way to Discipline a Child Who Hits His Parents?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

What is the best non-violent way to discipline a child who hits their parents, considering differing views on punishment and its effectiveness?

Answer

Thank you for your question. A child who hits their parents should be dealt with kindness, patience, and Islamic guidance.

Mercy and Gentleness

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,  “He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones and respect to our elders.” [Tirmidhi]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]

Whatever you decide to do, plan to deal with this with mercy and gentleness.

The Root Cause

Children often act out due to frustration, anger, or an inability to express their emotions. Try to identify what triggers the hitting behavior (e.g., hunger, tiredness, or feeling unheard). Children mimic what they see at home. Ensure that they are not exposed to violence at home, on screens, or with peers.

Set Boundaries

Calmly explain to your child that hitting is not acceptable and that it hurts others. Use simple language they can understand, such as “Hands are not for hitting. We don’t hurt others, especially our family.” Set consequences for hitting, such as losing a privilege (e.g., screen time or a favorite toy) or putting them in time-out. After the time-out, ask your child questions like: “Why do you think hitting is wrong?“ or, “What could you do differently next time?“ Be consistent in enforcing these consequences.

Try reading this book to your children:

• Hands Are Not for Hitting
• What to Do When You Feel Like Hitting: A No Hitting Book for Toddlers 
• I Use Kind Words. I Do Not Hit!: An Affirmation-Themed Toddler Book About Not Hitting

Other Tips

• Teach your child to use words to express their feelings instead of hitting.
• Teach them calming strategies, such as taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or walking away from the situation.
• Don’t get angry or hit back, it sends mixed messages.
• When your child handles a situation without hitting, praise and acknowledge their effort.
• Implement a reward system where your child earns stickers or points for good behavior.

Anger

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was our best teacher when regarding anger. See his teachings below:

• How Can I Control My Anger?
• How Do I Deal With Anger?
• Calming the Storm Within: Controlling Your Anger

Dua

It’s very important to turn to Allah in all situations for guidance and wisdom, especially when it comes to raising kids. We will be imperfect parents, and we need constant guidance.  Please say these supplications regularly:

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً

“Our Lord! Bless us with (pious) spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]

رَبِّ هَبْ لِى مِنَ ٱلصَّـٰلِحِينَ

“My Lord! Bless me with righteous offspring.” [Quran 37:100]

رَبِّ هَبْ لِى حُكْمًۭا وَأَلْحِقْنِى بِٱلصَّـٰلِحِينَ

“My Lord, grant me wisdom and join me with the righteous.” [Quran 26:83]

Please see more details here:

• Raising Children with Deen and Dunya
• Rights of Children in Detail
• What Is the Ruling on Raising Children in Islam?
• What are my children’s rights upon me?
• Advice regarding children’s upbringing
• Upbringing of children
• Teaching self-control: Guiding your child with discipline
• What Do I Do When My Child Won’t Stop Hitting?!
• 10 Tips to Prevent Aggressive Behavior in Young Children

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.