I Engage in Homosexual Acts. How Can I Change?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I have homosexual feelings and have engaged in homosexual sex, however I deeply regret the act. I was sexually abused when I was 5 years old and now realize that is one of the reasons I like to partake in gay sex. I don’t even like men I just like rough gay sex but I feel disgusting afterward. I go through periods like right now where I pray regularly, read Qu’ran, and do other acts of devotion.

I am not gay, rather, bisexual as I am attracted to women as well. I am married and my wife knows about the abuse and the homosexual feelings I get. But she doesn’t know I engage in the rare illicit acts. I feel sick, confused, lost and I hate this.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration because you are addicted to something that actually disgusts you and your Lord and you are cheating on your wife. 

Please see this excellent article on tackling homosexual feelings.

Steps

-Make honest heartfelt tawba and ask Allah to strengthen you. Pray five times daily, read the Qur’an with meaning, pay zakat on time, and lower your gaze. I promise you that your good deeds will eventually override and obliterate your bad ones, until you have nothing but good deeds left

-Consider seeing this website for helping Muslims with sexual addictions:  https://purifyyourgaze.com/

-Go gold turkey. Don’t contact any of the men that you sleep with again and delete their phone numbers. Delete them from your social media. Rest assured that your own disgust at your actions is a key to stopping this habit.

-Find religious friends or family to spend your free time with. Socialize with them and spend time in fresh air and nature.

-Take up a religious hobby, charitable work or beneficial activity to engage in when you are bored. Do not turn to the Internet or call your gay friends.

-Fast once to twice a week, this helps tremendously with weakening one’s desire and purifying oneself.

-Give charity with the intention of seeking purification and true change. Sadaqa takes care of problems like nothing else.

Your wife

There is no need nor obligation to tell your wife what you have been doing. Keep it in the past where it belongs and make tawba for it. Your wife will most certainly hate you or leave you for what you have done. Be grateful to Allah that your sin has stayed secret and commit to remove it from your life.

Spend more time with your wife. Communicate with her more and experiment in your intimacy with her. Her whole body is halal to you, except for intercourse during menstruation and anal intercourse. Try something novel, this might satisfy you in a way that makes you forget about gay sex.

May Allah reward you for your efforts and guide you through this time, and bring you out stronger and purer in the end.

Please read this excellent article as well for more information.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad 
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.