Can I Distance Myself from Harmful Family Members?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
The challenges I am facing in my married life due to interference from my parents and siblings have led me to make the difficult decision to distance myself from them. The discussions initiated by my parents with other family members and friends have only made things worse and created divisions within the family.
Despite my efforts to communicate my feelings, they remain ignored and misunderstood. Advice from other family members is to suffer with patience. Is it permissible to distance myself from my parents and siblings, especially considering the severe emotional harm caused to me, my spouse, and my children? Is there a du`a to remove the hatred from the hearts of my parents?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with quiet suffering and ignored feelings and I pray that you come find mutual respect and love with your family.
Distance
Imam Ibn Hajar al-‘Asqalani, when explaining the hadith where the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said not to shun his brother for more than three nights, mentions the words of Imam Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr: “[The scholars] all agree that shunning someone for more than three days is not permissible – except in the case of someone with whom resuming communication will result in harm one’s religious practice, oneself, or one’s worldly interests. If that is the case it is permissible [to not talk to them]. Many a time, avoiding someone in a beautiful way is superior to harmful intermingling.“ [Ibn Hajar, Fath al-Bari]
It is not haram to distance yourself from them, as it is obligatory to protect oneself and one’s family from abuse. This is where a therapist or counselor comes in handy because they show you how to distance yourself correctly without causing further harm. Please use the following resources to learn how to set boundaries:
- To What Extent of a Boundary Can I Have with Dysfunctional Parents?
- 9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members
- How to Set Family Boundaries: A Therapist’s Guide
Allah Is with the Patient
The Prophet, (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Maja]
What you have been through will make you stronger and you will certainly come out of this a better person whose rank with Allah has been raised. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, in this inspiring hadith, “Wondrous are the ways of a believer for there is goodness in every affair of his, and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer. If he has an occasion to feel delighted, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.” [Muslim]
Supplication of the Oppressed
Find solace in this hadith and ask Allah continuously for help. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Try this du`a:
“O Allah, the Turner of hearts,
Guide and soften the heart of [person’s name],
Remove any ill feelings or negativity that resides within,
Replace it with love, compassion, and understanding.
O Allah, You have the power to change what is in the hearts,
We beseech You to transform [person’s name]’s heart,
Open it to the truth, righteousness, and guidance,
Bless them with a heart inclined towards goodness and piety.
O Allah, bless [person’s name] with clarity and wisdom,
Remove any doubts or misconceptions from their heart,
Illuminate their path with the light of Your guidance,
Grant them the ability to see the beauty of what is right.
O Allah, soften their heart towards forgiveness and mercy,
Fill it with compassion and empathy for others,
Help them let go of grudges, anger, and resentment,
Replace it with a heart filled with love and kindness.
O Allah, we acknowledge that only You can change hearts,
We seek Your divine intervention and mercy,
Grant us the strength and patience to be a positive influence,
Guide us in our efforts to bring goodness and positivity.
O Allah, if it is in Your divine wisdom,
Grant [person’s name] a change of heart that aligns with Your will,
Bless them with the ability to recognize truth and righteousness,
And lead them toward the path of righteousness.
O Allah, You are the Knower of all hearts,
We trust in Your wisdom and decree,
Guide us in our interactions with [person’s name],
Grant us the ability to be a source of goodness in their life.
O Allah, accept our supplication and answer our prayer,\
In Your infinite mercy, change [person’s name]’s heart,
Grant them guidance, contentment, and peace,
For You are the All-Powerful, the Bestower of blessings.
Ameen.”
Turn to Allah
Turn your gaze to the One who sent you the problems because only He can solve them. Devote yourself to Him through praying on time, reading the Quran, and omitting the haram from your life. He will bless you and increase you in every good, by His grace. Thank him for the blessings in your life daily. Ask Him to help you succeed in your worldly and spiritual affairs so that you can make your own home peaceful. Ask him that you not carry on the cycle of abuse in your own home, as this is very possible unless you actively seek change and guidance.
Please see these links as well:
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
