How Can I Convince My Parents to Let Me Marry Someone Who Is Not of Our Sufi Order?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad


How Can I Convince My Parents to Let Me Marry Someone Who Is Not of Our Sufi Order?


Thank you for your question. I empathize with your suffering, and I pray that you can convince your parents that there is nothing wrong with your choice and that you should have the freedom to choose.


First, although you feel sure about this man, you must take the correct steps and pray Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance. Try to pray early before fajr, for Allah is keen to answer dua and forgive.

The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Our Lord, who is blessed and exalted, descends every night to the lowest heaven when the last one-third of the night remains and says: Who supplicated Me so that I may answer him? Who asks of Me so that I may give to him? Who asks My forgiveness so that I may forgive him?” [Tirmidhi]

No imam

If Allah Most High gives you positive feelings about marrying him, be patient and pray that Allah makes an opening for you. Not much can be done without your parent’s approval, as an imam doesn’t have the right to overrule your father’s decision. I advise you to use a gentle approach to convince them.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]

Discuss It Openly

Your suitor should openly and honestly discuss how serious he is about you with your family. He should tell them that he is willing to wait until they change their minds and that he is devoted to Allah and His Messenger and will not stop you from your Sufi practice. He should ask them to pray istikhara and meet with him as often as they wish to be sure. He might even ask to visit a Sufi gathering with your family to understand your family’s devotion to it.

Make Dua and Give Charity

Turn to Allah in fervent du`a to help you in this time of need. Pray the Prayer of Need. Recite these duas and memorize them if you can. Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical, and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long My teacher once told me that nothing gets rid of a problem like giving charity. So give regularly; may Allah accept it and facilitate your path.

If Nothing Works, Walk Away

Never allow yourself to get so emotionally attached to a man you can’t walk away. If it doesn’t work out, if your parents don’t approve, there is not much you can do about it. You would have to move on and forget about him completely. This is not easy to do with a broken heart. I pray that it does not come to this, but be prepared for anything. If Allah wills for this to not work out, trust in Him, submit to His decree, and look forward to something better.

Find solace in the following hadith: The Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Wondrous is the affair of a believer for there is good in every affair of his, and this is not the case with anyone else except the believer. If he has an occasion to feel delighted, he thanks (Allah). Thus, there is a good for him in it, and if he is harmed, he endures it patiently. Thus there is a good for him in it.” [Muslim]

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May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.