How Can I Get My Husband to Soften His Heart to My Family?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
How can I help my husband soften his heart toward my family without directly addressing the issue, as he sees it as siding with them? I make dua, but I see no change.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I pray that you can ease the tension between your husband and family. The best way is to appeal to his sense of commitment to obeying Allah and His Messenger.
Ties of Kinship
The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should maintain the ties of kinship.” [Bukhari]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said:
“The one who severs ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.” [Bukhari & Muslim]
And the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“The most quickly rewarded of good deeds are kindness and upholding the ties of kinship, and the most quickly punished evil deeds are injustice and severing the ties of kinship.” [Ibn Maja]
‘Aisha reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship, Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off.” [Bukhari]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Learn enough about your lineage to facilitate keeping your ties of kinship. For indeed keeping the ties of kinship encourages affection among the relatives, increases the wealth, and increases the lifespan.” [Tirmidhi]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“When Allah created the creation, the womb (rahim) stood and said: ‘This is the place of one who seeks refuge with You from being cut off.’ Allah said, ‘Yes, are you not pleased that I maintain the ties of those who maintain you and cut off those who cut you off?’ It said, ‘Yes, O Lord.’ He said, ‘Then it is for you.’” The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) then recited: “Now if you (hypocrites) turn away, perhaps you would then spread corruption throughout the land and sever your (ties of) kinship!” [Quran, 47:22] [Bukhari]
Anas ibn Malik reported that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said,
“Anyone who wants to have his provision expanded and his term of life prolonged should maintain ties of kinship.” [Bukhari]
And Allah Most High has told us in the Quran,
“People, be mindful of your Lord, who created you from a single soul, and from it created its mate, and from the pair of them spread countless men and women far and wide; be mindful of God, in whose name you make requests of one another. Beware of severing the ties of kinship: God is always watching over you. [Quran, 4:1]
Advise
With kindness, respect, and patience, advise your husband to come to terms with your family for the sake of Allah Most High. Explain to him that expectations are probably too high and that instead of constantly being disappointed by them, he should be patient and just focus on what he is giving them, and not what they reciprocate.
Getting along with them is also a sign of his commitment and love toward you. Try to arrange small, positive interactions between your husband and your family, perhaps in a cafe, so they have a chance to get to know each other alone. This may help him to see each other in a more favorable light. You can ask your family to respect your husband’s feelings and to avoid causing any friction, too.
Turn to Allah
Always turn to Allah with regular prayer, supplication, and dhikr. Eliminating the haram and makruh from our lives is a lifelong process, and we should all strive toward that. Giving charity regularly is key because the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Tirmidhi]
Insha’Allah, regular devotion will bring baraka, and these issues will improve.
Please see more details here:
- My Family Doesn’t Get Along With My Spouse’s Family
- Can You Advise Me on Dealing With My Husband’s Strictness and Coldness?
- What to do if your husband doesn’t like your dad/brothers?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
