How to Handle the Early Marriage Crisis?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad 

Question

I married about a year and a half ago and am unhappy. My husband is not interested in me and seldom defends me to his family, who is very strict with me. He does not want to have a baby and is never honest. I don’t have a mother or sister, so I am lonely and have no support. I am a teacher, but my husband is not qualified, so he doesn’t understand me.

I did istikhara and dreamt of beautiful wedding dresses, but I said to myself in the dream that I’ll be uncomfortable in those heavy dresses, so I better put on my dress (a green dress which is my favorite), and I saw that my shawl was a little wet, so I hung it to dry.

What is the interpretation of this dream? Should I continue this marriage, as my husband and in-laws are demanding and don’t compromise?

Answer

I empathize with your pain. It is challenging to be in such a new situation and not have the love or care you expected.

Communicate

Try to talk to your husband about your feelings. Tell him that he means the world to you and you would love to spend more time with him. Tell him you would like to go out alone with him once a week and make his favorite dessert. Buy him a small gift regularly. Smile always when you are with him and be cheerful. His hard-heartedness will eventually melt away, and things will start to improve. Generally, when you show love over and over to someone, they eventually respond with like.

Kindness to In-Laws

Be kind and respectful to your in-laws, and don’t complain about them to your husband. Instead, flip the situation and praise them when you speak to your husband. He will be surprisingly pleased and start to take your side more often. You can even show kindness to your in-laws that will touch their hearts and encourage them to reciprocate with kindness. Figure out their likes and dislikes and try to watch out for them.

Exhaust Every Avenue

Before you pray istikhara about staying in the marriage, make sure you have done everything in your power to change the marriage. Nothing will change on its own, and you must be proactive. It may take time. Strive to fulfill the meaning of this hadith. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) used to say, “Nothing is of more benefit to the believer after Taqwa of Allah than a righteous wife whom, if he commands her she obeys him, if he looks at her he is pleased if he swears an oath concerning her she fulfills it, and when he is away from her she is sincere towards him about herself and his wealth.” [Ibn Maja]

Du’a

Ask Allah to help you through this time and turn to Him with your whole being. Don’t miss your obligatory prayers or zakat, cover yourself correctly, and keep from backbiting. Learn more about the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), his life, and the halals and harams of daily life. Read some Quran daily with the meaning and look for inspiration and guidance. Keep the company of loyal religious friends. Consider taking a class online with your husband about the spirit of an Islamic marriage and do your best to apply it.

Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage

May Allah give you the very best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.