Should I Cut My Family Off To Please My Husband?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I recently became more religious, Alhamdulillah. My mom and sisters joke about me, my clothing and say I’m still young and should enjoy life. My sisters are influencers and they encourage Muslimas to dress up. I know that is wrong but stopped interfering in their business since they just get angry. 

My husband wants me to cut off ties with my eldest sister since she wants to spread disbelief among young Muslims. He also wants me to lessen contact with the rest of my family. I understand his point of view but I learned to never break bonds with family because it is a grave sin. My family still loves me and it will break them if I cut them off. 

Perhaps they just need time to get to know the new me? I’m afraid my husband and I will have big problems since he thinks I’m not strong in my iman because I don’t hate the disbelief my family is spreading. I, however, do hate their actions but I can’t hate my family, that just goes against my nature.

Answer

Thank you for your question. 

Sister, I empathize with the tug of war that you are playing between your husband and your family, but I commend your seriousness, your attitude, and your gentleness with your family. Please see this link for an excellent full detailed answer to your question: Should I Maintain Ties With Family Who Openly Sin or Shun Them?

I have no other words to express my answer to your question, except that you are right on all accounts.

You stopped interfering with your sisters’ business because they get angry. Correct.

You learned never to break bonds with family no matter what they are doing. Correct.

Your family just needs time to get to know the new you and learn about your new lifestyle. Correct.

You hate your family’s actions, but you don’t hate them as individuals. Correct. 

Many young people become religious before their family does and it can be a difficult time. While they are happy that you are becoming a pious individual, they might think that you have gone too extreme and don’t like seeing you shun things that you used to love. 

It’s all right for them to be shocked at first and to ask questions and even complain. But you must gently explain how you feel and why you feel this way. Tell them that you want to change for good. Just due to the fact that they are your family, they will not stop loving you. 

Remember to always be kind to them and encourage their good deeds, but most of all, lead by example. Most families become more religious when they see the fruits that their religious family member is reaping. 

Only advise them against their current sinful habits if you know they will listen and benefit from it, otherwise, wait until they are ready. This could be months or even years.

Never think of cutting them off because this is not permissible for more than three days. But know that when your children come around, you should decide how much time to spend with them. You may want to limit the interaction, or at least set boundaries when you are with them.

Kindly tell your husband that you would like to stay in contact with them, not necessarily frequently, but just in order to continue to be a good influence in their lives. 

Assure them that you hate their actions and that is all that is required from you to hate. If he persists, just drop your family quick phone calls or messages to the bare minimum that keeps them happy.

May Allah ease this situation for you and give your family the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad 
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.