Can You Advise Me in My Desperation to Get Married?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I want to get married. Sorry, I’m ashamed to say this, but I am tormented by dreams of intimacy. I’m a 27-year-old girl (this age is like the end of life for me), and suitors are not coming. The same ones are not coming back, and my situation is getting worse by the day. I want to be happy, to be a beloved wife and mother like everyone else, but no one likes me; I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want to die like this.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your suffering, but you are worthy even if you are not married, and I ask you to pick yourself up and be confident.
Destiny
Allah has chosen different tests for different people and only what they can bear. We don’t understand the wisdom behind Allah’s decrees, but we will on the Day of Judgment when everything will be laid out clearly, by His grace. I urge you to dig into the recesses of your soul and find trust and solace that Allah’s wisdom, justice, and promise are true. Keep up your good etiquette with your Creator and show patience in your supplication.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: ‘I supplicated, but it was not granted.’” [Muslim]
Busy Yourself
As I’m sure you already are, busy yourself with good because if you don’t, the soul loves to busy itself with falsehood. Exercise, take care of yourself, study, review your personally obligatory knowledge, study tafsir of the Quran, develop new skill sets, work more, develop your career, spend time with children, volunteer with the poor or victims or at a shelter, and pursue what your heart desires. Spend your free time in worship and keep cheerful and positive, for there is much to be grateful for. Keep a gratitude journal in which you write your blessings every night.
Remember Allah’s words: “And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’” [Quran, 14:7]
Intimacy
What you are feeling is normal, but it is wise to keep it under control so that you are not overwhelmed by the desire and then fall into the haram. Here are a few tried and tested methods of reducing one’s desires:
- Reduce or eliminate screen time.
- Lower your gaze when you are around non-mahram men.
- Eat less red meat, eat less in general, and fast more.
- Supplicate for patience and for this phase to pass.
- Make dhikr or recite Quran every time the desires come to you.
- Remember that if you are protecting your private parts for the sake of Allah, He will aid you, and He never burdens anyone with a burden that they can’t carry.
Please see these links as well:
- I Am Still Not Married. I Am Losing Hope. What Do I Do?
- Why Am I Not Married Yet?
- Advice for Those Who Are Still Single After Trying to Get Married for Years
- Why my Singlehood Seems Endless and Why is it So Difficult to Bear?
- I Am 36 Years Old, Unmarried and So Lonely. What Do I Do?
- How Do I Get Rid of My Desperation to Get Married?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
