Should a Pubescent Child Tell His Parents About Same-Sex Attraction and Doubts About Islam?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

How should a child experiencing same-sex attractions handle their feelings, especially if they are pre-pubescent or going through puberty? Should they inform their parents? How should parents respond? Can an adult struggling with these urges confide in trusted individuals for support?

Is it appropriate to share their experiences (even anonymously) to help others? Should parents encourage their children to approach them with doubts or questions about Islam?

Answer

Thank you for your question. Puberty is a difficult time and a child should be taught the importance of self-control, Islamic guidance and morality regarding the subject without being judged harshly.

Confusion

The Messenger of Allah Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

“The pen has been lifted from three; for the sleeping person until he awakens; for the boy until he becomes a young man; and for the mentally insane until he regains sanity.” [Tirmidhi]

This applies to girls who become young women, too.

Before puberty, children can experience a range of emotions, attractions, and curiosities that can sometimes be confused with sexual feelings. It’s important to approach these feelings with understanding and a child should not be judged harshly for questioning their feelings. This is the best time to learn Islamic principles of modesty, marriage, respect, and morality, and learn what Muslims must refrain from. This includes training the child in lowering the gaze, especially on screens and teaching children to avoid looking up to negative role models.

Parents

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]

Parents should foster a safe environment at home where their children feel comfortable discussing their struggles and doubts. Parents must respond with kindness and compassion rather than anger or rejection. They must teach them what Islam says about sexuality, and they can also employ the help of a Muslim counselor or imam to fill in the gaps. It’s crucial that shyness not get in the way of this, as being overly shy will prevent learning.

Confide

An adult struggling with same-sex attraction can seek support from a knowledgeable and compassionate friend or mentor because no one should go through this alone. We, as Muslims, are instructed to seek knowledge from experts and ask those who know if we do not know. Any adult or child who struggles with this should be encouraged not to engage in sinful behavior but to seek to satisfy themselves through what is halal. Sharing personal experiences, especially about overcoming struggles with same-sex attraction, can be very inspiring. They should keep it confidential.

Approach Parents about Doubts

Parents should create a safe space where their children can ask questions about Islam because this will strengthen their faith. A valuable resource for these kinds of doubts is: Why Islam Is True

Please see these links as well:

• Struggling to Maintain Faith and Practice After Opening the Door to Doubts
• Weak Iman, Misgivings, and Loving the Messenger (Allah Bless Him and Give Him Peace)
• How to Address Waswasa, Low Faith, and Thoughts of Insincerity?
• What Can I Do to Strengthen and Increase My Faith?
• How Can I Increase My Iman and My Sincerity By Doing Things For the Sake of Allah?
• Doubts Regarding Islam
• How Do I Deal with Doubts in My Faith?
• How Do I Address My Doubts about Allah and the Holy Quran?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.