Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahamd
I have just found out that my bi-sexual 19-year-old daughter is in a relationship with a girl. I started taking the phone from her as she was on the phone until 3 a.m. and staying out till 4 a.m. She forgot to lock the phone, so I saw the texts with a girl. Her texts say she wants to run away and go to university in another city next year because I’m too strict.
She has been going to the gym with this girl and doing stuff in the changing rooms. Should I tell my daughter I know? Also, my bond with my daughter is very strained. She spends all day in her room and does not like talking to me as she says I always lecture her. Apparently asking her to put a plate in the kitchen is a lecture.
May Allah make it easy for you to deal with this painful situation and I pray that you develop a strong bond with your daughter.
You are her biggest connection to Islam and correct guidance right now. You should seek to remind her of God by inviting her to pray with you, reading the Quran daily, doing dhikr in the home, and practicing as best as you can. Be the best Muslim that you can be right now. Show her that Allah and His Messenger come first in your life. Make du’a for her guidance and yours, give charity regularly in the name of your daughter, and make visible religious changes, especially tawba.
Spend time with her, nurture your relationship with her, go out with her, and make sure that you and your husband are a constant in her life. She should feel loved by you despite her life choices.
Don’t let her girlfriends come to your home. Don’t nag her about anything, talk about everything under the sun except her faults, and don’t criticize her for a year at least. Go to the gym with her. When she feels close to you, she will start reflecting on her choices. Bonding with her now will bring about the best effect. Anger won’t.
This hadith is key: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]
Rely on Allah
Your only hope is that she turns to Islam and makes the right choice for herself. You can’t force it at all. Unfortunately, this might happen after many sins, but usually, sins wake people up. This is her test and you have to let her make mistakes, no matter how heartbreaking before she realizes the truth. The door of repentance is always open and she has time to change herself. Ask Allah to guide her and pray for her before dawn and during the last hour before Friday when Allah is keen to answer supplication. Pray the Prayer of Need.
Find solace in this Quranic verse. Allah Most High says, “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.’” [Quran, 39:53]
Allah’s promise is true in the Quran: “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed, Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]
Anas bin Malik narrated that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah, Blessed is He and Most High, said, ‘O son of Adam! Verily as long as you called upon Me and hoped in Me, I forgave you, despite whatever may have occurred from you, and I did not mind. O son of Adam! Were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky, then you sought forgiveness from Me, I would forgive you, and I would not mind. O son of Adam! If you came to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you met Me not associating anything with Me, I would come to you with forgiveness nearly as great as it.’” [Tirmidhi]
Please see these links as well:
Is It Permissible to Disown an Actively Homosexual Family Member?
How Can a Muslim Deal With Homosexual Inclinations?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.