Can I Cut Ties with a Sexually Abusive Father?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

Can a daughter permanently cut ties with a father who sexually abused her and caused severe trauma? Under what conditions is breaking ties with kinship permissible?

Answer

Thank you for your question. You can and should cut ties with your father for now, but please focus on your healing and worry about your relationship with him later.

Abuse

The Prophet (Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) said,

“Beware of oppression, for indeed oppression will be waves of darkness on the Day of Judgment.” [Bukhari]

And the Prophet (Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) said,

“Fear the supplication of the oppressed person, for there is no veil between it and Allah.” [Bukhari]

What your father has done is horrid, and I pray that he wakes up, repents, mends his ways, and transforms himself. Until then, you should protect yourself from him completely; there is no need to have him in your life at all, and it is obligatory that you not be in seclusion (khalwa) with him because of his corruption.

Forgiveness

Hire a therapist to work through this trauma. Don’t worry about forgiving him for now because you must heal. But, when you feel ready, know that our Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) forgave those who murdered his uncle and chewed on his liver, and those who spread rumours about his beloved wife and those who killed many Muslims in battle but later converted to Islam.

I encourage you to make an intention in your heart to forgive him, eventually (even if in the distant future), and leave him to Allah’s justice. I want you to feel liberated because forgiveness frees the heart and soul from anger, resentment, pain, and a cycle of negativity and bitterness that might pass to your children. Choose peace over pain, but again, it is not necessary to let him back in your life, but ultimately, plan to forgive him in your heart.

Dua

Please say this supplication to ease your heart;

رَبَّنَا ٱغْفِرْ لَنَا وَلِإِخْوَٰنِنَا ٱلَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِٱلْإِيمَـٰنِ وَلَا تَجْعَلْ فِى قُلُوبِنَا غِلًّۭا لِّلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ رَبَّنَآ إِنَّكَ رَءُوفٌۭ رَّحِيمٌ

Our Lord! Forgive us and our fellow believers who preceded us in faith, and do not allow bitterness into our hearts towards those who believe. Our Lord! Indeed, You are Ever Gracious, Most Merciful.”

Please see more details here:

• Should I Forgive My Father Who Sexually Abused My Children?
  Is a Father Who Molests His Daughter Still Considered Her Mahram (Unmarriageable Kin)?
  Dealing Problems With Abusive Father

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.