How Can I Help the Girl I Love to Control Her Sexual Urges? – Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I met a lady online and we have been talking over voice call (for homework help) for over a year. Some months ago, I asked if she would marry me because we started to have feelings. Her mother knows about us but she told her not to let her strict father know yet. We plan to do a nikah in a year if her father approves. Coming from a very conservative Middle Eastern family, she has had no contact with other men or been in a relationship before.
However, recently she started to have very strong sexual urges to the point she can’t control her body and feels extremely frustrated and depressed and asked about masturbation. I told her to lower her gaze, avoid thinking about it and fast, but it isn’t helping. What can she do to control her urges?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with the frustration that she is feeling, and I pray that she can be patient for the sake of her Lord.
No masturbation
The early Muslims used to say, “The one who weds his hand is accursed.” [Ibn Humam, Fath al-Qadir] There is no simple trick that I can give her to resist sexual urges before marriage. Masturbation is not permissible, and it can cause a whole new slew of problems. It will help to minimize her contact with you, as it is not permissible for you to be in an online relationship with her until there is a nikah that makes you halal for each other.
Patience
She must draw out every bit of her patience, distract herself with good things, and it will pass by quickly, by the grace of Allah. Now is the time to show true strength. Allah promises good to those who restrain themselves for His sake. Allah Most High has told us, “What is with you shall perish and what is with Allah shall last. And certainly, We shall bless those who observed patience, with their reward for the best of what they used to do.” [Quran, 16:96]
Try these tips to help with the urges:
How Should a Young Man Control His Sexual Urges and Desires?
Controlling Sexual Desires When Marriage Is “Put on Hold”
Prepare
In the meantime, prepare for marriage instead of thinking about intimacy. This is infinitely more important, and too many couples do not arm themselves with the knowledge of rights and obligations before they get married. Do you both know what the other must provide? Do you know what both of your roles are in a marriage in accordance with the Quran and Sunna? Please take a course at Seekers so that you are both clear on what behaviour a Muslim couple expects. May Allah bless your union and give you the best in this world and the next.
Please see these links as well:
Intimate Conversations on the Phone Before Marriage
Controlling Sexual Desires When Marriage Is “Put on Hold”
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
