How Do I Overcome My Mistrust of Women?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am a 28-year-old actively looking to get married. However, I find it hard to trust women. Most of my fear stems from the fact that I live in western society and the exposure to certain things that are widespread has caused this. How do I reconcile things like this? I have approached girls in the right way, and every time it doesn’t work out because I always think she has hidden agenda and there are things going on between her and another man. All I want is to get married to a proper woman.

Can you please advise how to overcome this issue? Sometimes I even think that the future is in the hands of Allah and if what I fear the most comes true in the future I can’t stop it anyway.

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for being honest and may he open your heart to the idea of marriage and make you a proper husband.

Mistrust

In this world, you can’t have perfection. You have to be willing to do what is right and leave everything in the hands of Allah. Anything that may befall you is Allah’s plan, and He expects you to react in the right way. Allah doesn’t give any believer a burden that he cannot bear and your thinking that you control every aspect of your life is nonsense.

Your mistrust is harming you, and you need to simplify matters. Follow the prophetic advice in the hadith below, pray istikhara, look at the face and hands of the girl you are considered for marriage, and propose. You can’t do anything beyond this. Please remember that any girl who has sinned; her repentance is good enough for Allah. Is it good enough for you?

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari; Muslim]

In sha Allah, if things do work out with you and a lucky girl, register for our Islamic marriage course (below) and don’t go in blind. Instead of worrying so much about finding the right wife, focus on being the right husband.

Please see these links as well:
A Reader On Gender Interaction
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage

May Allah give you a virtuous wife and give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.