How Do I Respond to Silent Treatment from My Husband?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband and I have been together 5 years and lately we seem to be constantly arguing and it’s really putting a strain on our marriage. We fight over small insignificant things which get blown out of proportion. My husband would take offense to something I have said or done but instead of talking to me about it he just sulks and completely ignores me for days. This infuriates me because I just want to talk it out.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I have done wrong. By the time he is ready to talk, I’m really angry and cannot control myself. I have said hurtful things as a result. I have asked for a divorce on two separate occasions only out of anger and frustration at the way he treats me. This makes him angrier and prolongs the silent treatment. I am at a loss as to what to do. He will not acknowledge me let alone talk to me. The atmosphere is unbearable. I have tried to talk to him when we are on good terms but it gets brushed under the carpet.
When we finally talk, he blames everything on me and does not acknowledge his wrongdoing. I know I am not completely innocent and I seek forgiveness for my shortcomings. I feel his behaviour is unreasonable and I don’t know how to get help.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry for your troubles and I empathize with your pain. The frustration of silent treatments and lack of communication is a poisonous behavior in marriage and very futile. I pray that this can be resolved quickly.
When one or both partners sulk, pout, or refuse to talk, they are exerting a cruel type of power in the relationship that not only shuts out their partner but also communicates that they do not care enough to try to communicate or collaborate. The silent treatment is a manipulation tactic that can leave important issues in a relationship unresolved. It also can leave the partner on the receiving end feeling worthless, unloved, hurt, confused, frustrated, angry, and unimportant. See this website for more details:
What Couples Should Know About the Silent Treatment
Here are some practical tips about dealing with silent treatment.
The bottom line is that you must teach your husband how to communicate. He should be able to tell you what he is upset about and if he doesn’t know how to do it, let him learn it from you.
Write him a letter when he is angry with you or a text message, but never in anger. Propose a few solutions to your disagreement and ask him which solution he likes best. He will eventually respond when he starts speaking again. Keep some lines of communication open even when he is angry and tell him that you would like to come up with a plan to work on it. Just outline it and show it to him so that he doesn’t brush it under the rug. Men need something they can look at or read in summary, instead of long discussions.
Also, during a fight, try not to yell or be angry. Smile and respond to his request or wish and say that you will try to improve. It’s too stressful and difficult to fight all the time and if you find you can’t smile, just stay silent and tell him how you feel the next day. Try to avoid a fight at the moment because of the unseemly consequences and lead him into a discussion.
It seems to me like you need to arm yourself with more knowledge and practical tips, please see these books and take these free courses, your husband should look at them too:
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
May Allah give you every success and bless your family.
May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
