I’m Not Attracted to the Women around Me. What Should Be Done?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m not attracted to the women around me for marriage and I don’t have an ability to leave the location and I can’t help myself avoiding fornication. What should be done?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration. A young unmarried man must deal with a lot of temptation nowadays and I pray that you find a way to get out of this.
Attraction
It is unfortunate that you find yourself unattracted to the women around you, but this is not a reason to fornicate. What about the woman you are fornicating with? Is she attractive? Why don’t you marry her? You will find that if you walk away from your fornication and decide to marry someone for her religion, her beauty will be magnified and her good character and light will overcome everything else.
There is much more to a woman than her measurements or facial features. Kindness, hard work, smiling countenance, being loving, fertility and courage are all traits that make a woman attractive. Please look beyond the surface. You will never really know a woman’s beauty until you live with her.
Fast, then marry
Allah commands us in the Qur’an, “So fear Allah as much as you are able and listen and obey…“ [Qur’an, 64:16]
There are different methods for you to fight off your urges. The first is that you realize the crime that you are committing against Allah. Once you decide that you want to repent, plan to marry. Until then, fast a couple of times a week.
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse, etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.“ [Bukhari] Fast at least twice a week, you will think about your dinner instead of your desires. Always keep away from images of women and lower your gaze. See these links:
How Can I Deal With My Sexual Urges If I Don’t Want to Marry?
Controlling Sexual Desires When Marriage Is “Put on Hold”
Good company
Another very good outlet is friends. Good religious friends are so important in times like this, they give you relief from stress, you can talk to them, pray with them, you can invite them for food or go to their place. They can be a man’s best remedy. Please reach out to some God-fearing people that you know and initiate some socializing, it will go a long way in sha Allah.
Turn to Allah
Last but not least, make du`a. Allah is the All-hearing, All-Knowing. Get up before fajr, and ask Allah to help you through this sinful behavior. Pray the Prayer of Need and tahajjud. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, told us, “When half of the night or two-thirds of it is over. Allah, the Blessed and the Exalted, descends to the lowest heaven and says: Is there any beggar so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? (And Allah continues it saying) till it is daybreak.“ [Muslim]
May Allah make it easy for you and guide you through this in a way that is beloved to Him.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
