My Husband Refuses to Spend Time With Me. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I keep wanting to spend time with my husband, but he is not keen. He’s always okay to go out with others, but when it comes to me, he says no or makes a face or tells me to go. It’s difficult to spend alone time with him because we live with his family. How do I make him my best friend?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.

Marriage

I encourage you to enrol in this course to better understand the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage – Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

Communication

It sounds like your husband and you have a problematic relationship dynamic. I encourage you to do what you can do improve your end of this relationship.

Manage Conflict: The Six Skills

The Four Types of Supportive Behavior And How To Identify The One You Need

I recommend that you read ScreamFree Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer by Hal and Jenny Runkel.

Self-care

I encourage you to spend more time and effort looking after yourself. You cannot control your husband’s behaviour, but you can work on managing your own emotions and behaviour.

Weekend Homework Assignment: Physiological Self-Soothing

Self Care: Cherishing Yourself And Your Relationship

Love Language

What is your husband’s love language? What is yours? In the absence of your husband’s loving attention, how else can you nourish yourself? Do you have a hobby that you enjoy? Do you have close friends you can lean on?

Prayer

Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to help comfort you and heal your marriage. Find comfort in the Qur’an, especially Surah Yusuf.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.