Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
My mother made it very clear that I am not allowed to marry until I buy her a house. This distresses me deeply. I feel so terrible, have moved out of home, and have fallen into the sin of pornography. My mother has also threatened to ruin the life of whoever I marry. What do I do?
Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.
Dear questioner, your mother in this scenario sounds extremely unwell. Despite this, you must still treat her with respect. Respect does not mean blind obedience. Respect means not raising your voice at her, being patient with her, and being of service to her.
When registration reopens, I please enrol in and complete this course: Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents.
Please do everything in your power to mend ties with your mother. Give her gifts. Ask her how she is. Help her with her errands. Do this out of sincerity, and not because you want her to give you permission to marry. Please work on establishing a genuine, caring relationship with her. Take a break from the battleground of marriage talks.
Try to understand what your mother is afraid of. The elderly often have very strong fears, and struggle to communicate them. Instead of having vulnerable and honest conversations, it is easier for them to lash out in anger. Is she afraid that when you marry, you will abandon her? What have you done to reassure her?
Please perform the Prayer of Guidance about getting married. You may think it is a good idea, but only Allah knows best.
Please perform the Prayer of Need about healing your relationship with your mother.
Are you still addicted to pornography? If so, then please refer to Purify Your Gaze.
When registration reopens, please enrol in and complete Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. in the meantime, I encourage you to listen to:
What do you have to offer your future wife?
It sounds like unless things change, you must inform your future wife that:
1) that your mother is deeply unhappy with you and whoever you marry
2) you have a pornography addiction which you are working on healing.
The right woman for you will be able to accept your challenges and be a support for you.
What kind of support do you have? How are your prayers? Are you sleeping, eating and exercising well?
Fiqh-wise, you can get married without your mother’s blessings. However, there is the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law. It is far better for you, your wife, and your future children, for you to marry with your mother’s blessings.
I pray that Allah grants you the wisdom, courage and patience to draw closer to your mother, and through that, closer to Allah.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.