Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I love a man deeply, but he is a big sinner, and we want to get married. He watches pornography, neglects prayer, and sometimes does not fast in Ramadan. Should I marry him? And if not, how do I tell him?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Dear sister, even though you are in love with him, I urge you not to marry this man.
It is not your responsibility to guide him, nor is it to fix him. Your husband will have a deep impact on the quality of your life in this world, as well as the next.
I receive so many emails from unhappy wives who have found out that their husbands watch pornography, refuse to pray etc. You already know this about him. Choose wisely. Protect yourself, and your future children.
I urge you to enrol and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages. Please learn the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage.
If he is addicted to pornography, then encourage him to enrol in the Purify Your Gaze program. Whether he chooses to cure his addiction is up to him, and is not your responsibility.
Think about the kind of father you want for your children. Children inherit not only our genetic dispositions, but also our spiritual dispositions. I pray that you marry a man who loves Allah, His Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace), and who upholds His Deen.
“And whoever submits his face to Allah while he is a doer of good – then he has grasped the most trustworthy handhold. And to Allah will be the outcome of [all] matters.” [Qur’an, 31:22]
Explain that you cannot marry him because he is not a practising Muslim. Ending your relationship will hurt, but even though heartbreak is a terrible thing, it will pass. All pain will pass. Just remind yourself that you are giving something up for the sake of Allah, and He will replace what you have lost with someone far better, inshaAllah.
Where are your parents in this situation? Do they know about this young man? I cannot imagine that your parents would bless this marriage, if they knew what you have divulged to me.
Please keep your parents involved in your marital decisions. Your father is your wali, and you will need the support of your family as you adjust to married life. They love you, and want what is best for you.
“O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded.” [Qur’an, 66:6]
I speak to you as an older, married woman with a child. The world is a turbulent place. Marriage to a man who fears Allah provides a refuge for you, and your children. Marriage to a man who does not fear Allah can be a painful prison for you, and your children. The choice is yours.
May Allah bless you with a marriage which brings you, your husband and your children closer to Allah.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.