Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam alaykum,
I have been married for a long time, endured verbal and physical abuse, and have children. We walk on eggshells around my husband, who has been violent in the past. My eldest daughter wants me to divorce him, but it will destroy him. Can I vent to someone about this?
Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Dear sister, I encourage you to please speak to a culturally-sensitive counselor. It is permissible for you to speak to her, because this will support you, and because she is bound by confidentiality laws.
You do not need to bring your husband with you. The important thing is for you to have a safe space to process your pain.
You are wise to not disclose your marital problems to your family. They love you, may react emotionally, and this may make things worse. An objective third party may be a better option for you.
You are in a truly heartbreaking situation. On one hand, you fear breaking your family apart. On the other hand, your own daughter wants you to ask for a divorce, because she sees you in so much pain. Children, especially as they get older, are able to tell when something is amiss between their parents.
Ideally, your husband and you need to see a marriage counselor. You know him best.
I am relieved to hear that your husband has not been violent in a year. He sounds like he needs support in controlling his anger. Walking on eggshells around him is exhausting.
Please read these excellent communication articles from the #staymarried blog. You are not able to change your husband’s problematic communication style, but you can definitely improve your own.
I know that you say that you do not want a solution, because you have resigned yourself to enduring this. When you are ready, I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Guidance about what to do in your marriage. Please watch what Allah unfolds for you.
Please perform the Prayer of Need and beg Allah to help you.
I pray that Allah grants you clarity and ease. Please keep in touch.
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[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.