How Should I Treat a Parent Who Has Left Islam?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

One of my parents appears to have left Islam, or has become very lax about faith. Living in the West, how should I treat them—and how do I balance kindness to them with holding to my own religion?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Merciful and Compassionate

May Allah make this easy for you, and guide both you and your parents to what He loves. Few trials weigh on the heart like this one, and that it grieves you is itself a sign of living faith.

Two duties sit side by side here, and the whole of the answer is to hold them together: unwavering kindness and dutifulness to your parent, and steadfastness in your own faith and character. Neither cancels the other.

Before anything else, do not rush to declare a parent a disbeliever—and do seek out a qualified, experienced scholar to consult about the delicate specifics of your own situation.

Do Not Rush to a Verdict of Disbelief

A lapse in practice, or even open laxity about religion, is not the same as leaving Islam. This restraint is not softness; it is the settled teaching of our creed.

Imam al-Tahawi (d. 321 AH / 933 CE) states the rule of mainstream Sunni belief: “We do not declare any of the people of the qibla to be disbelievers for a sin, so long as they do not deem it lawful.”

Imam Bajuri (d. 1277 AH / 1860 CE), in his commentary on the Jawharat al-Tawhid, says the same and names the error it guards against: “We do not declare a believer a disbeliever because of a sin, even a major one—contrary to the Mu’tazila and the Khawarij—as long as he does not deem it lawful.” [Bajuri, Tuhfat al-Murid ‘ala Jawharat al-Tawhid]

The reason for such caution is grave. Imam Ghazali (d. 505 AH / 1111 CE) laid down the principle that has guided the scholars since: one should “avoid takfir wherever a way to do so can be found, for to err in leaving a thousand disbelievers is lighter than to err in shedding a single cupping-glass of a Muslim’s blood.” [Ghazali, Faysal al-Tafriqa]

In reality, it is rare for someone who once truly believed to knowingly cast aside the faith. Weakness, confusion, anger, or heedlessness are not apostasy.

You are not appointed as anyone’s judge; where a genuine and specific concern arises, take it to a qualified scholar rather than settling it in your own heart.

Kindness to a Parent Does Not Lapse

Whatever your parents’ state, the command to honor them stands — and the Quran ties it to the worship of Allah Himself.

Allah Most High says: “And We have strictly enjoined Man regarding his parents … to show thanks to Me and to your parents; to Me is the ultimate end. And if they do their utmost to make you worship with Me what you know nothing of, obey them not; but companion them for the time in this world with gracious kindness.” [Quran 31:14–15; Keller, The Quran Beheld]

Note what the verse does: it withholds obedience only where it would mean disobeying Allah, and in the very same breath commands beautiful company.

Imam Nasafi (d. 710 AH / 1310 CE) glosses “companion them with gracious kindness” as “a kind and beautiful companionship — of good character, forbearance, patient bearing of any harm, dutifulness, and kept ties.” [Nasafi, Madarik al-Tanzil]

Imam Fakhr al-Din al-Razi (d. 606 AH / 1210 CE) draws the line exactly: “Serving them is obligatory … accompany them with your body, for their right is upon your body; and follow the way of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) with your intellect.” [Razi, Mafatih al-Ghayb]

Ibn Kathir (d. 774 AH / 1373 CE) is to the point: be good to them “even if they are idolaters.” [Ibn Kathir, Tafsir al-Quran al-Azim]

The Quran presses the tenderness further still: “And your Lord has decreed that you are to worship none but Him, and to treat parents with grace and kindness … never say ‘Faugh!’ to them or rebuff them harshly, but speak to them respectful words of honor. And lower to them a humbled wing, out of mercy.” [Quran 17:23–24; Keller, The Quran Beheld]

Imam Qurtubi (d. 671 AH / 1273 CE) says a person should stand before his parents “in the utmost humility in his words, his movements, and even his glance — never fixing a hard stare upon them, for that is the gaze of the angry.” [Qurtubi, al-Jami li-Ahkam al-Quran]

And the doors of good remain open even when a parent is not Muslim: “Allah does not forbid you from those who have not fought against you in religion or expelled you from your homes to be good and kind to them and show them justice: verily Allah loves the thoroughly just.” [Quran 60:8; Keller, The Quran Beheld]

The Sunna makes this vivid. When Asma bint Abi Bakr (Allah be pleased with her) asked whether she should keep ties with her mother, who was then an idolater, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) answered: “Yes, keep ties with your mother.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Mulla Ali al-Qari (d. 1014 AH / 1605 CE), in his commentary Mirqat al-Mafatih, takes this as “clear evidence for the permissibility of maintaining ties with a relative who is a polytheist.”

Uphold Your Own Faith and Character

Holding to your religion is the other half of this. You keep your own prayer, principles, and boundaries.

Where a parent asks you to do something Allah has forbidden, you decline — for the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Listening and obeying is due upon a person in what he likes and dislikes, unless he is commanded to a sin; if he is commanded to a sin, there is no listening and no obeying,” and, “Obedience is only in what is right.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Commenting on the counsel to honor one’s parents, Mulla Ali al-Qari adds the limit plainly: obey them “so long as it is not a sin, for there is no obedience to a creature in disobedience to the Creator. [Mirqat al-Mafatih]

But declining a command is not the same as contempt, and firmness is not harshness.

Upholding good character is itself part of the faith you are protecting: “The most complete of believers in faith are the best of them in character, and the best of you are those who are best to their families.” [Tirmidhi]

Cutting the tie, or looking down on a parent, is not “standing firm”; it is losing the very character the religion asks of you. Keep your practice unbending and your manner gentle—both together.

Be Patient—and Remember Abu Bakr and His Father

There is deep consolation in the story of Abu Bakr al-Siddiq (Allah be pleased with him). He was among the very first human beings to believe, yet his own father, Abu Quhafa, did not accept Islam until the conquest of Mecca, close to two decades later.

Throughout those years, Abu Bakr never abandoned him or gave up hope. In the end, on the day of the conquest, he gently brought his aged, white-haired father to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), who welcomed him and received his Islam.

Reflect on that patience: some twenty years of steady, calm, hopeful good character — and then the opening came. Guidance is in Allah’s hand, and it often arrives on its own timing.

Imam Ibn Ata’illah al-Sakandari (d. 709 AH / 1309 CE) counsels the heart that has long been praying: “Let not the delay of the gift, though you persist in supplication, be a cause of despair—for He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He wills, not the time you wish.” [Ibn Ata’illah, al-Hikam]

In his commentary, Imam Ahmad Zarruq (d. 899 AH / 1493 CE) recalls that Musa and Harun (upon them peace) prayed against Pharaoh and were told, “Your supplication has been answered”—yet its outward fulfillment came a full forty years later. The answer was granted at once; only its fruit was delayed.

So keep supplicating, and lean on your Lord. Allah promises: “And whoever fears Allah, He grants him a way out of every plight, and provides for him whence he could not even guess; and whoever trusts in Allah, He always suffices.” [Quran 65:2–3; Keller, The Quran Beheld]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Were you to rely upon Allah with true reliance, He would provide for you as He provides for the birds: they go out hungry in the morning and return full in the evening.” [Tirmidhi]

Your task is to keep the relationship warm, your character beautiful, and your supplication constant; the rest is with Allah.

Consult a Scholar for Your Own Situation

The finer points—how to weigh a particular duty, and what to do about any specific ruling that genuinely arises—are best navigated in direct, ongoing consultation with a qualified, experienced scholar who can see your circumstances up close.

This delicate balance between honoring a parent and holding to your faith is exactly the kind of thing a living teacher helps you carry.

Keep the tie, guard your own heart, and keep praying for them. Patience and beautiful character are, very often, the means by which Allah opens a heart.

And Allah knows best.

[Shaykh] Faraz Rabbani

Related Answers

• How Should I Deal With Family Members Who Have Left Islam? — Dislike the lapse, keep the tie, supplicate, and treat them with compassion and good character.
• What Are My Responsibilities Towards My Non-Muslim Parents? — The retained duties of support, kindness, visiting, and gifts, whatever a parent’s religion.
• Dealing With Non-Muslim Parents (II) — Love and kindness are owed to parents; obedience alone is conditioned upon the Sacred Law.
• Can You Advise and Explain on Dealing With Apostate Relatives? — Why we counsel maintaining ties and calling with good character rather than a rulings-first response today.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.

Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan.

In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era.

Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs.

Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature.

His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.