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Do I Get Married to an Unattractive Man I Have Not Spoken to and Do Not Like, Just to Please My Aging Parents?


Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

Several proposals of mine have not worked out. Currently, I’ve gotten a proposal from a family friend’s relative. The boy is almost 40 years old. They are claiming that he’s really obedient and religious and strong in character and all.

I don’t find him attractive. He’s seven or eight years older than me, is bald from the front. I haven’t even met him or talked with him. Nor has he shown any interest in talking with me. But his father’s said they like everything about us and that they’re very happy and want to move forward. My parents have kind of already made up their mind and I don’t comprehend why they are telling me that the final decision is mine.

I’ve been told that I’m growing old. This year, I’ll turn 29. I’ve ben told that the family is good…they’ll keep me happy…that I’ve got weaknesses which have to be considered as well (I cannot cook) etc. I don’t want my parents to stay troubled because of this whole issue of my marriage. They’re also more concerned as they too are in their 60s and 70s and want to settle me before something happens to them. I don’t want to displease Allah. What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah make things easier for you. Please forgive me for the delay.

Pressure

Abu Sa’id and Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Never a believer is stricken with a discomfort, an illness, an anxiety, a grief or mental worry or even the pricking of a thorn but Allah will expiate his sins on account of his patience.” [Bukhari and Muslim].

Dear sister, I am sorry that you are under so much pressure to get married. Your family, especially your parents, want what is best for you. It is natural for aging parents to fear about the future of their unmarried daughters. However, it is also important for me to remind you, and your family, that Allah is the Best of Carers. You are already under His Protection.

Whatever you decide, please do your best to decide from an inner state of calm, and abundance. Tap into your feminine intuition. Ask yourself – if you did not have the pressure from your family, would you marry this man? You alone know the answer to this question.

Wanting to please your parents is praiseworthy. May Allah commend you for caring so deeply for them. However, it is very unwise for you to commit to marry a man you have not even spoken to or met in person. It sounds like his father is desperate to marry him off too, to the point of pointing out your own ‘flaws’. This combination is concerning.

The fact that a Muslim man prays and his family is good does not mean that he would be a good match for you.

Please remember that marriage contract is only valid with your consent. You do have the final decision, even if it means saying no. Please, dear sister, choose wisely. Choose to own your decision. Don’t allow yourself to be swept along a path that you may later regret. Turning down a proposal for valid reasons is not displeasing to Allah.

Age

Please know that you are not growing old, like some kind of expired tuna can on a supermarket shelf. You are an honoured Muslimah, and you matter to Allah. Never, ever doubt in His Divine Care. There is Mercy and Wisdom in why He is delaying marriage for you. Perhaps there is something you need to take care of first. Perhaps there is a lesson you need to still learn. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to learn how to trust in yourself, and in Allah, and to hold firm despite external pressure.

Part of the fear that surrounds a woman getting married at a later age is this – the longer a woman waits, then the harder it may be for her to conceive. Dear sister, you are 29, and not 39. And even if you were 39, women your age and older, through the Mercy of Allah, have fallen pregnant and given birth to healthy, beautiful children. Nothing is difficult through His help.

Another fear is that the longer a woman waits to marry, the more ‘stubborn’ and ‘set in her ways’ she will be. The fact of the matter is, a woman who knows Allah, and a woman who knows her truth, intimidates weak men. A strong man would celebrate a woman who knows herself, and who knows Allah.

Parents

Your parents want you to be happily married, and not just married for the sake of it. Your pain would also hurt them. Sit down with them, and speak to them calmly and respectfully. Say that you also want to get married, especially because they are aging. But also explain that you need to at least speak to the man you are about to marry, and meet him at least a few times.

Perspective

Marriage is not a guarantee of your everlasting well-being in this life or the next. Like anything in this dunya, marriage is a means. This kind of pressure to marry, and to stay married, is what compels Muslim women to stay in abusive marriages. The end result is often a shattered psyche, as well as deeply traumatised children. No man is worth that.

Prayer

Please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night, even if means 5-10 minutes before the entry of Fajr. Beg Allah for clarity, for the gift of a righteous spouse.

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance as many times as you wish to until you get the clarity that you need. A negative istikhara would be your heart continuing to be turned against this man. A positive istikhara would be your heart feeling restful and at peace about the thought of marrying this man.

Dear sister, I cannot say this enough – please do not agree to marry a man you have not at least spoken to. I encourage you to read books like Before You Tie the Knot : A Guide for Couples and Before the Wedding : Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married.

I pray this helps. Please keep in touch.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.