How Can I Deal with Having Attraction for Someone?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am deeply attracted to someone. I would never transgress my religion, but I feel deeply sad when she is not around. I haven’t spoken to her, but she is always in my heart. Should I block this feeling out? I am too young to marry in my culture, nor could I afford it. I am struggling with this attraction. How can I go about dealing with this properly?

Answer

Ma sha Allah, I commend you for your modesty, wisdom, and patience. You seem like a very pious and respectable man who knows his limits and wishes to do right by his religion. May Allah reward you tremendously.

Istikhara about Marriage

You should first pray Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance to ask Allah if this is the right time for you to marry. If you can come up with earning a living and get married, you should do so. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “He who can afford to marry should marry, because it will help him refrain from looking at other women, and save his private parts from committing illegal sexual relation; and he who cannot afford to marry is advised to fast, as fasting will diminish his sexual power. “[Bukhari]

You can also discuss the idea of marriage with your parents. Let them know that you don’t wish to wait as long as your culture dictates.

Or Leave All Thoughts of Her

If you find that your istikhara has come out negative and you need to complete your studies or get settled first, then you must make every effort to put this girl from your mind.

  • Lower your gaze when you are near her
  • When a thought of her comes to you, bless the Prophet or say another dhikr, this will become a habit.
  • Fast to reduce your lust, you will end up thinking more about your dinner than her.
  • Remember that when you leave something for Allah, he replaces it with something better.

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better.” [Ahmad]

May Allah reward you for keeping your attraction under control, and may Allah guide you to relief, ease, and success in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.