How Can I Deal with My Newlywed Wife Who Hates Touch and Conversation?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I recently got married. Despite my efforts, my wife only responds to direct questions and doesn’t engage in conversation. We lack common interests and often spend our days in silence. After two months, we discussed intimacy, but her behavior made me feel like I was forcing her, so I stopped.
Now I’ve lost all interest. I feel this relationship won’t work, and staying will make me unhappy and full of regret.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I encourage you to help break the barriers of shyness as much as you can. She is wrong for holding back from you and not putting more effort into this marriage, but I can only advise you, not her.
Play
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Every game a Muslim plays is futile except for archery, training one’s horses, and playing with one’s wife, for they are from praiseworthy acts.” [Tirmidhi]
I encourage you to think outside of the box and start playing with your wife to make her comfortable with you. Play board games, go out to play a sport (like badminton) together, read and discuss books together, take walks together, take a vacation together, or play whatever you can think of. This will start to break the barrier of silence and force you to engage with each other. I also encourage you to pray with her daily in a congregation.
Intimacy
You must not give up on intimacy, either. Many hadiths discuss fulfilling a wife’s desires, engaging in foreplay, and not rushing her. If you are gentle, comforting, and kind, I imagine she will respond the same way and enjoy it, too. You are giving up far too soon.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“None of you should come on to his wife like an animal, but rather there should be between them a messenger.” It was said, ‘What is the messenger, O Prophet of Allah?’ He replied, ‘Kisses and sweet words’”. [Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sadat al-Muttaqin]
Please see more details here:
- What Does Islam Say About the Neglect of the Wife’s Sexual Rights?
- My Husband and I Barely Have Marital Intimacy. What Do I Do?
- Is It Sinful If One Fails to Consummate His/Her Marriage?
- Is it Obligatory to Consummate One’s Marriage?
- How Do I Deal with a Wife Who Resists Intimacy?
Test
I ask you to stop and contemplate the matter. Your wife doesn’t scream, shout, or insist on luxury items, she doesn’t sit and backbite, gossip, or complain like many other women. From what you tell me, her faults are few. You have a wife who is too quiet and shy, and you must see this as a test from Allah Most High. He expects you to react with patience, intelligence, and creativity. You are accountable for your reaction, so I advise you to consider your options carefully.
Bond
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Whoever is silent is saved.” [Tirmidhi]
Silence is a virtue, and this is true for eternity. Your wife just needs to figure out when and how to apply her silence. She doesn’t feel bonded to you yet, and intimacy and conversation play a large part in forming this bond. Please put in the effort before you decide to make any big decisions. Remember that having children will also aid in forming the bond.
Please see this link as well: My wife is too shy. It is causing frustration in our relationship
Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable counselors about the specifics of the situation.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
