How Can I Find a Spouse When I Am an Introvert with High Demands?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
A sister is nervous about marriage due to trust issues, discomfort with gender interaction, and fear of deception. She doesn’t know how to find someone and doesn’t want to have to meet others herself. She has a list of values they must have and feels like it’s impossible to find a match for her needs in a marriage. Her family, who don’t know anyone for her, are also pressuring her to marry within a year.
How can she address her concerns and seek a suitable partner without rushing? She avoids socializing to meet new people, doesn’t know how to make righteous friends and is lonely. She wants friends, but she also doesn’t have healthy family dynamics either.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your fear and frustration with your family pressuring you. You should not compromise on marrying a religious man, and by Allah’s grace, the door will open for you at the right time.
Turn to Allah
Surrender to the decree of Allah that you are not married yet and know that some wisdom lies therein. Turn to Allah during this difficult time by making daily istighfar and tawba, praying on time, and reading the Quran with the meaning regularly. Continue to make dua for a pious spouse at the best possible time. Perform The Prayer of Need before dawn. It is not our place to demand Allah to hurry – instead, beg Allah to soothe your heart, for He is the Changer of Hearts. I also encourage you to sign up for our marriage courses before you do marry, and consider relaxing some of your conditions and criteria because when the right man comes, you just know it. It’s not a checklist.
Abu Huraira reported that Allah’s Messenger Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and says: “I supplicated but it was not granted.” [Muslim]
Friends
Once you make friends you will have more opportunities to get to know others, and some of those people will be looking for a match for people they know, socializing is all a big beneficial network. Don’t avoid meeting new people. You should go to your local mosque weekly, exercise in a local women’s gym, go to your community city center, or help the disadvantaged by volunteering. When you meet a kind, pious person, invite them over, there is no friendship to be had without effort.
Dua
Please say this du`a seven times because Abu al-Darda related from the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) that if anyone says seven times morning and evening; “Allah sufficeth me: there is no god but He; on him is my trust- he, the Lord of the Throne (of glory) Supreme”, Allah will be sufficient for him against anything which grieves him, whether he is true or false in (repeating) them. [Abu Dawud]
حَسْبِيَ اللَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا هُوَ عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ وَهُوَ رَبُّ الْعَرْشِ الْعَظِيمِ
Please see these links as well:
Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life
Why my Singlehood Seems Endless and Why is it So Difficult to Bear?
Difficulty Getting Married Leading to Resentment and Depression
Advice for Those Who Are Still Single After Trying to Get Married for Years
How Can I Make My Parents Stop Forcing Me to Get Married?
How Can I Relieve My Anxiety Over No Marriage Prospects?
How Can I Overcome Loneliness and Make Friends?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
