How Should I Deal With My Horrific Marriage?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I have been married 14 years in a turbulent marriage, due to discovering my husband’s pornography tendency and clubbing. He always lies and is very controlling. I wear hijab and study sacred knowledge, but neither my husband or his family are religious. If I contact a shaykh about a matter, I am accused of indecent behavior. I am not allowed to speak to my children about my feelings, I can’t leave the house without permission, the house is never clean enough, I can’t have time for myself.
I have been ridiculed for being dirty which I can assure you I am not. I am a doctor but have never been allowed to practice or work because it would neglect the children and the house. I teach and help my children but they call me a bad mother. If I speak, I am called arrogant. More than half the year is spent in silent treatments because I may have stood up for myself or not answered a phone call because the ringer was off. I get the respect of a maid, not a wife. When I try to discuss, I’m told I have a bad character and should have patience, and I shall not enter Jannah because my husband is displeased.
The emotionally abusive cycles take me to hell and back, I pray hard, change myself, apologize, but I am told I cannot make mistakes. The silent treatments last forever. My husband is very charming in public and no one would believe me. A part of me is slowly dying each day, I have no himmah, I feel trapped and I don’t know how this man killed my confident lively self.
Answer
Thank you or your question. First please read these links concerning individuals in similar oppressive situations as yourself:
My Husband Is So Controlling. What Do I Do?
My Brother Is an Extremely Controlling Husband. How Can I Help His Wife?
How Do I Deal With a Controlling Husband Who Seldom Lets Me Leave the House?
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse is a terrible form of abuse because it doesn’t quite give the wife the confidence to leave her husband but makes staying with him an absolute misery. Know that what your husband is doing is completely haram and Allah will ask him about this on the Day of Judgment. You have been suffocated and oppressed from being prohibited from working a couple of hours a month to communicating openly with your children. This is a heartbreaking situation and I pray that you can work a way out to solve this.
Leaving or staying?
What do you want? Do you feel that you want to stay forever with this man? Do you think he will change? I have seen miserable marriages where a couple will not break up due to culture but the emotional toll has been heavy and they display bad character with one another every day into their old age. Is this an option for you? I am not telling you to leave, but know that is an option and you should pray istikhara about it whether it be now, or after the children grow up. You don’t deserve this oppression from him or his in-laws now or later.
While you stay
You still need to find a solution to surviving with this man while you stay. The first thing you both should do is take a Marriage Course at Seekers. It seems like your husband is from a different world, so please take it yourself if you must, and at least learn your obligations and rights. Start fulfilling your obligations for Allah and no one else, all the way down to your smile.
Also, the only way to your survival is to be kind and loving. Do your best to be kind, compassionate, give service, help, be charitable and love your children. Teach them to be kind and help others so they don’t repeat the cycle of abuse when they grow up. Make a gratitude journal and write what you are thankful for in it every day. I will even go so far as to say that you dress up for your husband, smell nice, and be active in bed. This will change the way he sees you. Act like a maid, and you will be treated like one. Steve Harvey says, “Act like a lady, think like a man.“
Turn to Allah
The one who sent you the problem is the one who can take it away. Turn to Allah with your whole being and channel your pain into du`a. Pray on time, pay zakat on time, lower your gaze, watch your tongue, and try to eliminate each haram thing from your life and then start eliminating all the makruh things from your life. Pray the Prayer of Need at the time of tahajjud and know that Allah hears you and that he will aid you.
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
