Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I am the only Muslim in my Christian family, and they do not know that I have converted. I struggle with depression and cutting and want to sew my mouth shut. Fire pleases and relaxes me. My mother always yells at me. She yells at me if I cry about not wanting to be around the man who cornered me in the bathroom. My father told me he thinks I make my mental illness up and ignores the fact I have a therapist. I sob into my pillow and beg Allah to kill me since I’m destined for Hell anyway. Then I asked for strength to run away. Still nothing, so I asked for an Angel. Elihilihilkssr: saying and thinking of it comforts me. Do you think Allah sent me an angel? Others suspect possession. I don’t.
Thank you for your question. I am so very sorry for your past and I pray that you take advantage of your therapist so that you can make progress with your illness. All healing is from Allah and your supplications and efforts will not be wasted.
Although your mental state is devastating you, I don’t want you to think that you are destined for the Hellfire. Nobody knows where they are going, no one knows how their lives will end, and no one should despair of the mercy of Allah.
Allah Most High told us in His book, “Say, ˹O Prophet, that Allah says,˺ “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Quran, 39:53]
Wishing for Death
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), told us how to approach the desire to die. He said, “None of you must wish for death because he is afflicted by evil circumstances, but if he cannot help doing so he should say, ‘O God, give me life as long as life is better for me, and take me when death is better for me.’” [Bukhari and Muslim]
Please see this link about wishing to die:
Could Someone Going Through Hardships Wish for Their Life to End?
- Please be sure to see your therapist regularly, and if you need a psychiatrist, see one.
- If fire pleases you, I urge you not to play with it, as you can cause serious harm.
- Don’t ask for an angel, or strength to run away, but ask for well-being [‘afiyah]
- Don’t repeat the name that you have mentioned, it brings you no benefit. Rather repeat these adhkar (formulas of remembrance of God), as they will truly help you
- Learn the last three surahs of the Quran and recite them before bed, as well as the Verse of the Throne [Quran, 2:255]
- I urge you to start learning your personally obligatory knowledge and consider telling your family that you are Muslim, as this will relieve a great burden.
Please see these links and say the supplications within:
Prayer For Mental Well-Being
Asking Allah for Well-Being: The Sunna of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace)
Prophetic Supplications to Cure Illnesses
How Do I Seek Protection from Evil and Harm?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.