How Can I Help My Brother Who Is Depressed and Aggressive?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
How can I help my older brother, who isolates himself, refuses treatment for depression, and is aggressive toward our family?
He uses religion to manipulate my parents, who feel guilty about his past. He doesn’t work or study and only stays with us for his needs. He refuses advice and resents our parents. What should we do?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain, and I pray that you can be patient with him and make dua for him, as it is up to him to accept help and change his life.
Aid Your Brother
I commend you for wanting to help your brother; he is lucky to have a sibling like you. Through the baraka of your efforts, Allah will help you as well. The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said,
“If anyone removes his brother’s anxiety of this world, Allah will remove for him one of the anxieties of the Day of Resurrection; if anyone makes it easy for an impoverished man, Allah will make easy for him in this world and on the Day of Resurrection; if anyone conceals a Muslim’s secrets, Allah will conceal his secrets in this world and on the Day of Resurrection; Allah will remain in the aid of a servant so long as the servant remains in the aid of his brother. [Abu Dawud]
Help
Your brother needs professional help, and I urge you to find him a therapist or counsellor to work through his past and help him find focus and ambition for his future. Convince your parents first to get him to agree to professional help. They should be gentle and kind and not coerce him because that can backfire. Also, seek the help of a local imam, elder, or mentor to speak to him about his understanding of religion and not use it to manipulate your parents.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Maja]
Tips
- Pray as a family together, this will help you all bond, which makes it easier to help.
- Keep your family safe from his aggression, and don’t hesitate to call the police if you fear for your safety.
- Avoid facilitating his bad habits and enabling his aggression or laziness
- Ask your parents to set gentle but firm boundaries, like helping around the house.
- Depression worsens with idleness. Ask him to volunteer, develop new skills or hobbies, go to the mosque, learn the Quran, exercise, and keep busy with good things. Reduce screen time.
- Make dua that Allah guides his heart and softens it toward family and heals him.
Dua
Ask your parents to make this du`a regularly and turn to Allah Most High to help you because nothing is difficult for Him.
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً
“Our Lord! Bless us with (pious) spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]
Please see more details here:
- Dealing with Depression: Helping Others
- Is It Sinful to Not Care about My Abusive, Toxic, and Ill Elder Brother?
- How do I sort out my sluggish, stubborn, and selfish brother?
- Being Depressed? Or Hoping for the Best?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
