Can I Turn My Parent Away Due to Emotional Hurt?
Answered by Mawlana Ilyas Patel
Question
I live in the UK for school, and my mother lives in an Islamic country. My mother’s results of hardships and her ideologies have grown narcissistic, constantly demanding of us what we can’t do financially and trying to control most aspects of our lives. We try to accommodate what we can, and although Allah forgives us, our displeasure sometimes shows. I have anxiety from years of physical and mental abuse and cannot relax in her presence, awaiting her outbursts. She visited for a month, and although I told her my studies take most of my time and money, I couldn’t meet her needs. She used her visit to smoke, drink, and meet male friends, and her behaviors hurt my studies and psyche. Can I refuse her next visit to protect myself?
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate
I pray you are in good faith and health. Thank you for your question. I am sorry to hear about your family situation. It must be challenging indeed.
This is a testing situation you are in. It is easier said than done, so you should try to be accommodating and patient with her. This is a test for you and her. We all have a test. Pray two rak‘as out of gratitude that it is not you and that you are on the right path. However, as it is your mother, you have to give your all to accommodate her and bear with her, and at the same time, find ways to redirect her to what is right and wrong with wisdom and love. like the following:
- speak to her with your utmost love
- find someone who can speak to her
- send her a text instead of speaking at times; this will make her go back to looking at the message and reflect
- pray for her guidance daily, always thinking of her
- tell others to pray for your mother without mentioning anything negative
Prayer, Goodness to Parents, and True Jihad
Abdullah Ibn Mas‘ud (Allah be pleased with him) reported, I asked, “O Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) which deed is best?” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Prayer in its proper time.” I asked, “What is next?” The Prophet said, “Good treatment of your parents.” I said, “What is next?” The Prophet said, “Jihad in the way of Allah.” I became silent, and he would have told me if I had asked him more. [Bukhari; Muslim]
I would like you to go through the valuable answers and links below. You will receive guidance and direction in sha Allah.
Related
- Is It Bad That I Do Not Love My Mother Because of All the Stress She Gives Me? – SeekersGuidance
- What Constitutes Disobeying One’s Parents (’Uquq al-Walidayn)? – SeekersGuidance
- How Can I Stop the Endless Arguments with My Mother? – SeekersGuidance
Why not begin your search for knowledge by signing up for a course on SeekersAcademy (seekersguidance.org)?
I pray this helps with your question.
Wassalam,
[Mawlana] Ilyas Patel
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Mawlana Ilyas Patel is a traditionally-trained scholar who has studied in the UK, India, Pakistan, Syria, Jordan, and Turkey. He started his early education in the UK. He went on to complete the hifz of the Quran in India, then enrolled in an Islamic seminary in the UK, where he studied the secular and ‘Aalimiyya sciences. He then traveled to Karachi, Pakistan. He has been an Imam in Rep of Ireland for several years. He has taught hifz of the Quran, Tajwid, Fiqh, and many other Islamic sciences to children and adults onsite and online extensively in the UK and Ireland. He taught at a local Islamic seminary for 12 years in the UK, where he was a librarian and a teacher of Islamic sciences. He currently resides in the UK with his wife. His interest is a love of books and gardening.
