How Do I Deal With My Toxic Parents Who Give Me Constant Stress?
Question:
I am an 18-year-old girl, who has been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused due to my toxic and overcontrolling parents since I was six. They often play the Muslim parent card, and I find it hard to communicate with them as I fear talking to my dad, and my mom tries to brainwash me with her emotions. It has been tough for me to focus on my studies and other things. I am often forced to do anything they please, and I recently lost my patience to deal with them.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am very sorry for the stress that you are going through with your parents. Please know that a parent-child relationship should be based on mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. This is a much more effective parenting method in the long run, and I pray that you can achieve this with your parents.
Resources
The best thing I can tell you for your situation is to read these excellent and relevant answers, first:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-we-deal-with-parents-who-emotionally-and-spiritually-abuse-their-children/#
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-a-dysfunctional-relationship-with-parents/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/dealing-problems-with-abusive-father/
Excellence towards Parents
It is true that children should show excellence to parents, but this can be done in various ways. Restraining yourself from a mean or disrespectful response is excellence towards your parents. Doing what they ask when you have some free time is excellent. May Allah reward you for the restraint and patience that you have shown thus far.
Harm
As you genuinely feel that your parents are harming you, you must find a way to distance yourself gradually. Explain to them that you need to study, and do not bottle up your emotions. Tell them honestly that they are asking too much of you and that you need a bit more free time. Perhaps you can discuss their expectations of you and write them down, so it is clear and agreed upon.
Patience
Your age is the most difficult age when it comes to dealing with parents. You are coming to the age of independence and making your own decisions, while your parents have to learn to start letting go of their little girl. Rest assured that you will move out one day, and marry, maybe sooner than later, and things will get easier, by the grace of Allah. Many a young person does not get along with their parents only to become their best friends after they have their own children.
Turn to Allah
In the meanwhile, turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslimah that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends down that He cannot solve, so ask for His Mercy and Kindness. He will surely come to your aid.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.
Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation.
Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
