How Should I Deal with My Mother’s Insults and Abuse?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My mother tends to insult the way I look very often. She became more aggressive and vulgar with her attacks. I’m by no means unattractive. I’m well above average. The reason she insults me is because I look like my father. My parents divorced when I was a child. My mother hates my father and takes much of that out on me. She’s extremely proud of her insults and thinks they’re very justified.
Meanwhile, she looks after my little brother (whom she had after remarrying) very well. She thinks of his emotional needs to the point that she makes sure not to speak loudly near him because it scares him. Moving out isn’t an option since I’m in university, and moving with my dad isn’t the best option either. Some advice would help.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration. I am sorry that you have to go through such a hard time with your mother when she should be your biggest supporter and showering you with love just like your brother.

Patience

Being kind and polite, and holding back your tongue with your mother is excellence toward parents. She is very lucky to have a daughter like you, and I encourage you to continue to be patient when she is critical. Your reward for putting up with her will be tremendous, by the grace of Allah, and you will find that when you have moved out and are married with kids, your relationship will probably improve much. I recommend that you counter her criticism with kindness and politeness, this will usually shame a person into silence and make them see the reality of what they are doing. Deep down, she is probably ashamed of the way she looks, and/or is jealous.

Protect Yourself

Abuse is harmful to your mental health, and a parent is prohibited from abusing their children in our religion. When she starts her criticism, excuse yourself and leave, without responding to her. Tell her that you are busy, or that you are not feeling well. Just don’t engage her. Ask your father, relative, or other family members to intervene and help you out. Sometimes, you should stand up for yourself, kindly, and tell her that she must stop criticizing you and that you won’t listen to it anymore. Tell her that she is hurting you and you hope that she can find the courage to stop. Tell her that you deserve respect as well.

Turn to Allah

With any problem in life, turn to Allah first, give a little in regular charity, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslima that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends that He can’t solve, so ask for His mercy, kindness, and guidance to find a solution. He will surely come to your aid.
Try journaling; once you get your emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and find solutions. Spend time with good friends who are a positive and religious influence on you. Exercise, take your supplements, and get very fresh air every day. Make time for dhikr, du`a, and self-care.

Your Dua Is Accepted

The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.  See the links below as well:

Please see these links as well:

• How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?
• I Can’t Stop Misbehaving With My Mother. What Can I Do?
• How Can I Deal With My Fat-Shaming Mom?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.