Should I Reduce My Mother’s Involvement in My Life Now That I’m Married? –
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My mother was diagnosed with bipolar and OCD long ago, and she is not compliant with treatment. I have even had depression myself because of the stress and trauma of dealing with her but was able to recover by the grace of Allah Most High. I can’t have a good relationship with her despite having tried. When in hypomania, her mood is elevated but mostly the topic she is interested in is backbiting. The rest of the time she wants to yell and argue and accuse us of all sorts of wrongs. She bashes me for choosing to be a housewife and thinks educating me was a lost investment etc. Now I’m reluctant to involve her in my married life for fear that she is going to ruin it. Am I right? How should I deal with her?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration and I pray you take the right steps to protect yourself and your marriage.
Distance
It would be better for you to keep her out of your marriage as much as you can, especially in the beginning while you and your husband are still bonding and cementing your relationship. A little distance from her and explaining to your husband what he is in for will go a long way. Perhaps both of you together can eventually find a way to bring her benefit or help her comply with treatment. It’s never too late. Until then, be kind, and polite, send her gifts, call her when he is not around. Remember that her toxicity can still trickle into your marriage without direct contact with her, so you have to willfully seek guidance, change and force yourself not to react to challenges in the way that you have seen your whole life.
Wondrous
What you have been through will make you stronger and you will certainly come out of this a better person whose rank with Allah has been raised. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, in this inspiring hadith, “Wondrous are the ways of a believer for there is goodness in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer. If he has an occasion to feel delighted, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.” [Muslim]
Please see these links as well:
How Should I Deal With a Mentally Ill Mother?
Is It Permissible for Me to Stop Talking to a Harmful Family Member?
Is It Haram to Set Boundaries with My Difficult Family Members?
My Mother Abuses Her Children. What Do I Do?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
