Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
For years, I have reflected and tried to connect to Allah and I was close to Him. I am at my lowest, due to my persistent sins. I want to come back. I still feel the remnants of how I used to feel. Now I am more serious. I always think about Islamic stuff. Sometimes I am in awe, but sadly my despair and great fear are increasing. I try to connect emotionally and reflect on my state and past. I have been advised to relax and not think about Islam outside of the compulsory actions and supererogatory deeds. When I do this and enjoy myself, I am happy and the moment makes me realize that this is amazing.
I get caught up in it and fear I might lose love for Allah. I could relax in the past and be close to Allah.
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are getting caught up only in the fear of Allah Most High, and have forgotten to place your hope in Him. You must practice in balance, as you were advised, and stop thinking too deeply about it.
Fear and Hope
Abu Hurayrah reported that Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said: “If the believer knew what is with Allah of punishment, none would hope for Paradise, and if the disbeliever knew what is with Allah of mercy, none would despair of (attaining) Paradise.” [Tirmidhi]
Please see these excellent details about living your life with fear and hope:
I’m not sure what Islamic stuff you are thinking about, but I feel that you may not be benefitting from it. Instead, immerse yourself in learning your religion and gaining knowledge. It is better for you to learn the basics of Arabic, tajweed, personally obligatory fiqh and aqidah, spirituality, and sira (biography of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace)), and then contemplate that knowledge. Seek to imitate what our pious predecessors used to do.
Closeness to Allah takes time to develop, and you shouldn’t be worried about where you stand with Him. Instead, worry about your sins, and repent for them. Work on eliminating the haram from your life, one by one, and then the makruh (disliked actions). Increase in your good deeds, and remember Him with your tongue. Give rights to people around you, including yourself, and have excellence in everything that you do.
Please see these links in order to take real steps to build your relationship with Allah.
Losing your Faith
Although no one is safe from possibly losing their faith, you still have something in your possession. You have your intention to believe and practice forever, and you have your supplications (dua). Employ these two things, and don’t despair or fear, this is the Devil’s ploy to distract you about the future, and keep you from doing what is important now.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.