How Should Parents Respond When A Child Leaves The Faith and Lives with a Partner?
Answered by Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat
Question
How should Muslim parents relate to an adult child who has left Islam and lives with a partner?
Answer
I pray you are well.
This is undoubtedly a very difficult situation. It brings pain to parents knowing the choice their child has made. There is worry about the future and concern about where this path may lead. It is also deeply distressing simply to see one’s child in such a state.
At times, parents may react with firmness or even hostility. Often, this stems from intense worry and fear for their child’s ultimate outcome. However, each situation must be assessed carefully.
Understanding Why They Left
The first step is to try to understand why the person left Islam.
From experience dealing with a number of such cases, it is often due to a combination of two factors. The first is ignorance of Islam. The person does not truly understand the religion. They may ask, “Why is this happening to me? Why are there so many problems in my life?” Without sufficient knowledge, they are unable to see the wisdom behind events or to understand that difficulties may be part of a long-term plan that Allah has for us.
The second major factor is mistreatment or trauma. This may come from family members or others. The individual may have experienced pain that they were unable to process. As a result, they end up blaming Allah, Islam, or those associated with the religion.
Parents should bear these possibilities in mind and gently ask their child why they left. Simply asking and listening can be very important.
An Illustrative Case
In one instance, I was asked to sit with a man who had left Islam. We had a long and pleasant conversation in which I presented proofs for the truth of Islam and the existence of God. He responded politely, asking questions and attempting to refute what I said.
At the end of the discussion, I said to him, “I do not think you have a problem with Allah. I do not think you have a problem with Islam. I think you have been through some sort of trauma or pain, and you are blaming that pain on Islam.”
He replied, “You’re right.”
It turned out that as a child, he would see his father beating his mother, and then immediately go and pray, saying, “I need to pray ‘Asr on time,” and begin praying. The child began to associate religiousness with that violence. Such experiences can cause profound damage. A child sees parents as a source of safety and protection. When that sense of safety is shattered, it can leave deep wounds.
Trauma of this nature is a major cause of people leaving Islam.
How Parents Should Respond
If there is no antagonistic element in the relationship, parents should do their best to remain parents. Be kind. Be gentle. Try to understand. Speak to them, or arrange for someone suitable to speak on their behalf.
Sometimes what a person needed was greater closeness, empathy, or understanding from their parents. They may have felt ignored or unheard. Simply opening a channel of sincere communication can make a difference.
At the same time, it must be acknowledged that not every case is rooted in trauma. Some individuals act out of rebellion or even malice. They may deliberately act in ways that harm themselves and cause pain to others. Such cases are particularly difficult. With someone like this, one should leave the door open and continue to act with kindness, though it may be challenging.
In all cases, parents should strive to respond with patience and compassion while seeking to understand the underlying cause.
And Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim
Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began studying Arabic Grammar and Morphology whilst studying for a degree in English and History. After graduating, He traveled to Damascus and studied Arabic, Hanafi Fiqh, Usul al-Fiqh, Theology, and Logic with Shaykh Adnan Darwish, Shaykh ‘Abd al-Rahman Arjan al-Binsawi, Shaykh Husayn Darwish, Shaykh Muhammad Darwish, the late Shaykh Rashad Shams, and others. He then moved to Amman to continue his studies in those fields, as well as in Tafsir, Quranic Sciences, Hadith Methodology and Commentary, Prophetic Biography, Prophetic Perfections and Traits, Rhetoric, Arabic Literature, and Tajwid. His teachers include Shaykh Ali Hani, Dr. Hamza al-Bakri, Dr. Salah Abu al-Hajj, Dr. Mansur Abu Zina, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, Shaykh Ahmad Jammal, and others.
