What Should I Do If a Friendship Is Affecting Me Spiritually?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

I left school to memorize the Quran. I grew close in heart to a fellow student whose character I admired, hoping for a friendship that would benefit us both.

Over two years, that admiration mixed with desire and improper thoughts.

I have cut her off several times, yet I always return, telling myself the feelings will fade once we are close again. They have not. Please help me out of this.

Answer

In the name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate.

You’re aware of the issue: you named the desire honestly, tried more than once to step away, and came seeking help rather than hiding.

That is the work of a heart that is alive and turned toward Allah. Hold onto this, because shame is the one thing that will keep you stuck, and you have refused it.

A Relief and Ruling

Start with a relief that is also a ruling: The desire that arrives in you uninvited is a trial, not a sin; you answer for what you do with it, never for its mere arrival.

And what this trial asks of you now is distance. An attachment laced with desire is healed by real separation, not by managed closeness.

The story you keep telling yourself, that the pull will fade once you are near her again, is one your own two years have already disproven.

Know this whisper for what it is, and its grip loosens.

Distance Cures

The reason distance is the cure is that the eye and the heart lead the rest of a person.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) taught that a share of wrongdoing reaches even the glance and the inclination of the heart, which is exactly where guarding begins [Bukhari; Muslim].

Allah Most High says: “Tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their chastity.” [Quran 24:31]

What holds for the outward eye holds for the inward gaze that keeps turning back to her.

So choose the distance deliberately. Reduce contact with the unavoidable: no private talk, no confiding, no being the one she leans on.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said that part of a person’s excellence in Islam is leaving what does not concern him [Tirmidhi]. “What doesn’t concern you,” the scholars explain, is anything that isn’t of benefit for you in dunya or deen.

This closeness, however sincerely it began, has become exactly that: something that isn’t good for you.

If your program makes real distance impossible, weigh whether a change of arrangement is the wiser protection for your heart and your memorization.

And do not carry it alone: bring in a trusted teacher or a righteous woman, without exposing the other person, and ask her to hold you to your own intention when the pull returns.

Fill the space the attachment leaves with what you came for, your portion of the Quran and your prayer in the hours the longing is sharpest.

The Door You Close Is Not a Loss

Expect the ache when you step back; it is the sound of something real being released, not the sign of a failure.

Whoever leaves a thing for the sake of Allah, Allah gives him better in its place [Ahmad]. Make a firm intention today, for the sake of Allah, tell the one person who can seek counsel from and who can help advise you, and when the thought to return arrives, meet it with: “I already know how this ends.”

Allah is nearer to you than the trial, and His help comes to the one who takes the first honest step.

And Allah knows best.

[Shaykh] Faraz Rabbani

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Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.

Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan.

In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era.

Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs.

Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature.

His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.