Can Parents Reject a Proposal Based on Culture or Because They Don’t Like Him?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

Can parents reject a proposal from a pious man because they don’t like him and his family? He doesn’t have a university degree but is independent, working full-time, earns decently, and supports his parents as well. My parents think the families don’t match, but he and I are compatible, and we want to make this work. Can my parents reject him just because he doesn’t have a degree or because his father owns a shop? Can they reject the guy because of the city they come from in Pakistan? My parents are not willing to get to know him, they are now emotionally attacking me and threatening to cut off ties with me if I marry him. What shall I do?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with the pain that you are going through this proposal, and I pray that you come to a compromise with your parents as they do have valid grounds for rejecting him.

Suitability

Please see the definition of suitability below. What is defined below does not mean that you cannot marry someone who is unsuitable, but rather it means that it is permissible to make one of the suitability criteria a factor to consider. This is because these criteria are used as protection of a girl’s rights, when she wants to refuse a suitor that her father picked for her.

Prophetic Advice

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Muslim] This hadith applies to both genders.

The Reliance of the Traveller

m4.0 A SUITABLE MATCH (KAFA’A)

(N: The definition of a suitable match should not be misunderstood as a recommendation for whom to marry. It is merely a legal restriction to protect a woman’s interests when the father or grandfather of a virgin marry her to someone without her consent (dis: m3.13,15). As for when she wishes to marry someone who is not a suitable match, and her guardian has no objection, there is nothing wrong or offensive in her doing so.)

m4.1 Suitability concerns lineage, religiousness, profession, and being free of defects that permit annulling the marriage contract (def: m7). (N: As for color, it is of no consideration in suitability.)

m4.2 The following are not suitable matches for one another:
(1) a non-Arab man for an Arab woman (O: because of the hadith that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah has chosen the Arabs above others”);
(2) a corrupt man (def: O24.3) for a virtuous woman (O: though it is sufficient for the would-be husband to have given up his wrongdoing);
(3) a man of a lowly profession for the daughter of someone with a higher profession, such as a tailor wanting to marry a merchant’s daughter (A: though an Islamic scholar is a suitable match for any level whatever);
(4) or someone with a defect that permits annulling the marriage (def: m7) for someone without such defects.

Being wealthy has nothing to do with suitability (O: for money comes and goes, and those with self-respect and intelligence do not take pride in it), nor does being elderly.

Istikhara

Please pray istikhara and communicate openly with your parents. If you find that they really won’t change their minds and there is no room for compromise, you will have to walk away, as you can’t marry without their consent. Be prepared for this and don’t get more emotionally attached than you are now. It will just make it harder. Marriage should be a joyous occasion where both families welcome the spouse with open arms. Aim to find someone that fits the criteria for you and your parents, and make endless dua at blessed times to this end. Allah is certainly the All-Seeing, the All-Hearing.

Please see these links as well:

• Was It a Mistake to Reject a Suitor Who Would Not Agree to High Dowry?
• Who Is Supposed to Carry the Burden of Financial Responsibility within a Family?
• How Can I Get My Parents to Accept a Suitor Who Is Not Rich?
• What Can I Do if My Parents Do Not Accept the Person I Want to Marry?
• What to Do When My Parents Reject My Choice of Spouse Because of Cultural Reasons?
• Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.