Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I’m 24 years old and desire to get married; however, my parents refuse to look for me or allow me to look. They are incredibly passive and believe that one should only make dua and that Allah Most High writes everything already and believe that looking online brings shame. Our network is minimal due to living in the West.
I asked them how I would find a husband, and they answered that I would meet him at work. I only have one unmarried friend to ask for connections. What is the solution? I had one proposal, and I didn’t like the man; when I said I wanted to get married, my mother asked me why I didn’t accept that proposal.
I empathize with your frustration, but I ask that you trust Allah and be patient. Keep doing what you should be doing and have faith that Allah will answer your supplications.
Abu Sa’id al-Khudri reported that some people from among the Ansar begged the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), and he gave them. They again begged him, and he gave them until what was in his possession was exhausted. He said, “Whatever good (riches, goods) I have, I will not withhold it from you. He who refrains from begging Allah safeguards him against want. And he who seeks sufficiency, Allah would keep him in a state of sufficiency, and he who shows patience, Allah would grant him the power to be patient, and none is blessed with an endowment better and greater than patience.” [Muslim]
The etiquette of a believer with their Lord is patience. The servant asks his Lord, and he must patiently wait even if difficult and trust that Allah’s timing is the best. Never claim that your dua was not answered. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: ‘I supplicated, but it was not granted.’” [Muslim]
In this vein, I ask that you continue to be patient and use the time to benefit yourself by acquiring knowledge, refining your skills, honing your domestic skills, and taking courses on personally obligatory knowledge and marriage. Continue to make dua, especially at auspicious times, and have complete faith that your husband will come.
How to Complain
We are all human beings, and we have hardships. There is no question that tribulations can be challenging, and we occasionally need someone to talk to. The prophets (Allah bless all of them) were our examples, as they complained only to Allah and were satisfied with this. Why should we complain to someone who cannot take away our problem?
Allah has told us the story of Prophet Yaqub (Allah be pleased with him) in the Quran. When he was told that his favorite son died, “He cried, ‘No! Your souls must have tempted you to do something ˹evil˺. So ˹I am left with nothing but˺ beautiful patience! I trust Allah will return them all to me. Surely He ˹alone˺ is the All-Knowing, All-Wise. He turned away from them, lamenting, ‘Alas, poor Joseph! ‘And his eyes turned white out of the grief he suppressed. They said, ‘By Allah! You will not cease to remember Joseph until you lose your health or ˹even˺ your life.’ He replied, ‘I complain of my anguish and sorrow only to Allah, and I know from Allah what you do not know.’” [Quran, 12:86]
As for your parents, I would also ask that you be patient with them. Parents are not perfect and probably don’t know how to approach the matter. You should expand your circle, if possible, perhaps by enlarging your circle of good Muslim friends and even reaching out to relatives who might know someone. Spend more time at the mosque or local Islamic center, and ask the imam or an elder to keep an eye out for you or ask your friend to talk to them for you. I wonder why you would ask your unmarried friend for connections when she is in the same boat as you.
It would help if you asked your married friends to help you because they have extensive networks through their husbands. It’s also an option to be more active on social media. You get to know like-minded people if you follow scholars and take classes online.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) made it very simple. He gave this golden advice, simplifying life for both suitor and the prospective bride. He said (Allah bless him and give him peace), “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitna) in the land and abundant discord (fasad).” [Tirmidhi]
Most importantly, keep in mind our belief about destiny:
u3.7 To believe in destiny, its good and evil, means to be convinced that Allah Most High has ordained both good and evil before creating creation, and that all that has been and all that will be only exists through Allah’s decree, foreordinance, and will. Early Muslims used to answer whoever asked about destiny by saying, “It is knowing that what hits you was not going to miss, and what misses you was not going to hit” (al-Jawahir affu’lu’iyya Ii sharh af-Arba’in al-Nawawiyya (y68), 35-37). [The Reliance of the Traveller]
Please say the dua in these links and apply the tips:
What Should I Do If I Cannot Find a Suitable Wife In My Area?
What Advice Would You Give Me to Find a Spouse?
Is There Any Specific Supplication I Can Read to Find a Spouse?
Difficulty in Finding a Spouse and Losing Hope
How Can I Find a Girl for Marriage When My Parents Can’t Help?
How Do I Get Rid of My Desperation to Get Married?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.