How Can I Live With In-Laws Who Insult My Family?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My in-laws insulted my family twice, and my husband did not intervene, only apologizing to me afterward. I struggle to forget the disrespect, and seeing them reminds me of the incident.

How can I continue living with them while maintaining peace, without separating my husband from his parents?

Answer

Thank you for your question. Understandably, you feel hurt by your in-laws’ insults, and by your husband’s silence. Try to communicate better with your husband about respect, decency and boundaries that need to be set to continue living in peace together.

Best to Wives

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best among you to my wives.” [Tirmidhi]

Your husband should consider what marriage means. It means that you are a garment for him, and he for you. It means that he protects you, supports you, defends you, and speaks up when someone tries to harm you, even if it is his family doing it. However, it doesn’t mean that he is a bad guy, he is just confused and not sure what to do. Help him with this by telling him.

In addition to this, someone should remind him that you have a right to separate quarters from your in-laws. If he wants you to continue to give up your rights, he must show that he is there for you and not take you for granted.

Tips

• Express how their words affected you and encourage him to set gentle but firm boundaries in the future. Let him know that while you don’t want to separate him from his parents, you also need his support.
• Their insults are a reflection of them, not you. Stay above that, and don’t reciprocate lowly behavior.
• Reduce interactions when needed, and politely excuse yourself if conversations turn negative. You don’t need to engage them, your husband should do it for you.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but let go of resentment so it doesn’t consume you. Ask Allah for strength and ease.
• If insults persist or get worse, talk to your husband about a long-term solution (moving out) to save the relationship.
• Once you have communicated and set boundaries, exert patience and leave the matter to Allah Most High.

Dua

Be patient with their misbehavior, and hopefully, they will rectify themselves. Remember that after some years, you will actually become friends with your in-laws and value that relationship, by Allah’s grace.

رَبِّ اشْرَحْ لِي صَدْرِي, وَيَسِّرْ لِي أَمْرِي, وَاحْلُلْ عُقْدَةً مِّن لِّسَانِي, يَفْقَهُوا قَوْلِي

“My Lord! Uplift my heart for me, make my task easy, and remove the impediment from my tongue, so people may understand my speech.” [Quran, 20:25-28]

اللَّهُمَّ اجْعَلْ لِي مِنْ كُلِّ هَمٍّ فَرَجًا وَمِنْ كُلِّ ضِيقٍ مَخْرَجًا

“O Allah, grant me relief from every worry, and a way out from every hardship.”

Please see more details here:

• A Wife’s Right to Housing Separate From Her In-Laws
• How Do I Deal With a Mother-in-Law Who Complains About Me Visiting My Parents?
• Living With Disrespectful and Overbearing In-Laws
• Living with My Mother-In-Law Is Challenging. What Do I Do?
• How Can I Be Respectfully Firm with My Father Who Insults My Mother?
• Is It Permissible to Live Separately From In-Laws?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.