How Can I Be Respectfully Firm with My Father Who Insults My Mother?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
How can I be firm yet respectful with my father, who insults my mother and has a history of abuse, while managing my religious OCD and lack of local guidance?
Answer
Thank you for your question. There is no sin on you to remind him that he may not abuse your mother rather, it is obligatory with the conditions of commanding the good and forbidding the wrong.
Abuse
It is impermissible for your father to abuse your mother according to Islamic law and it contravenes the very spirit of a Muslim marriage.
Please see more details here: Muslim Scholars On Spousal Abuse
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“The most perfect of faith of the believers is the best of them in good character – and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.” [Tirmidhi]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said,
“There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Maja]
And the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“Whoever harms others, Allah will harm him, and whoever causes hardship to others, Allah will cause hardship to him. [Abu Dawud]
The ahadith about not harming other believers is boundless, so how should it be when it concerns one’s spouse, with whom one shares a “solemn covenant” [Quran 4:21]?
Please see more details here: Muslim Scholars On Spousal Abuse
Tips
You should tell your father, calmly, and when he is not angry, to have more patience and treat her as he would want to be treated himself. Remind him that there are better ways to react when he is angry and that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) provided us with the best marital model to follow. Ask him to take an anger management course. Continue to advise him as best you can, and follow the parameters of commanding the good and forbidding the wrong, outlined in the links below. Also, make sure that you don’t revert to this kind of behavior when you get angry with your wife in the future.
Dua
Please say this prophetic dua daily:
اللّهُـمَّ إِنِّـي أَعـوذُ بِكَ أَنْ أَضِـلَّ أَوْ أُضَـل ،أَوْ أَزِلَّ أَوْ أُزَل ،أَوْ أَظْلِـم أَوْ أَُظْلَـم ،أَوْ أَجْهَلَ أَوْ يُـجْهَلَ عَلَـيّ
O Allah, I seek refuge in You lest I misguide others, or I am misguided by others, lest I cause others to err or I am caused to err, lest I abuse others or be abused, and lest I behave foolishly or meet with the foolishness of others. [Abu Dawud; Ibn Maja; Nasa’i; Tirmidhi]
Please see tips and full details of your answer here:
- What Are the Criteria for Enjoining Good and Forbidding Evil?
- Embracing Excellence – Commanding Good and Forbidding Evil – Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
- Is One Being Nosy by Commanding the Good and Forbidding Evil?
- How Can I Help My Mother Despite My Abusive Father?
- Can I Defend My Mother From My Abusive Father?
- Should My Mother Leave My Abusive Father?
- How Can I Help My Mother Who Is Being Abused by My Angry Father?
- How to Deal with an Abusive and Irreligious Father?
- My Father Assaulted My Mother and Me. Can I Move Out?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.