How Do I Deal With Hateful Family Members Who Take Advantage of My Kindness?

[February 6, 2021] [Ustadha Shazia Ahmad]/in Family Ties, General, General Counsel, Living Religion

Question:

How do I deal with hateful family members who take advantage of my kindness?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I understand that you are going through pain and suffering regarding your sisters, and I pray that you can protect yourself and still improve your relationship with them.

Kindness

Although it is of good character to be kind, loving, and helpful to your sisters, it is not of the sunna to be used and abused. I feel that you have done plenty for your sisters, and I feel that you should move forward with caution. Pray for them, keep in touch with them in a minimal way, and give them gifts on ‘Eid.

Protect Yourself

Moving out was the right step, and I pray that you do eventually get along with your older sister. You should tell her the reason that you left and send her the contact of a therapist that might help her. Do not fight about it, just tell her that you love her and that you are both healthier and happier when you are apart. As for your younger sister, encourage her to work or study, and do not get on her case about it. She needs to wake up and you cannot do that for her.

Finances

You should be straightforward with your older sister about finances, and tell her exactly how much you can help her, even if you just send her 20$ a month. I feel that you should not completely stop giving her anything, because this small connection shows her that you still care. Living away from her will still give you some peace of mind.

Turn to Allah

The most important thing for you here is to trust in Allah and turn to Him. He has a plan for you, and you must submit to His plan while praying for the best outcome. Supplicate to Allah to guide you to mend your relationship when you feel mentally stable and healthy. Give Allah what he wants by being an obedient and devoted servant and striving to practice His religion in the best way. Ask Him to always send you good, positive, and encouraging people in your life who will help you and not take advantage of you.

May Allah reward you for your sincerity and give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.