Can I Stay in Contact with My Beloved Until We Marry?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a 15-year-old girl in a serious relationship who plans to marry at 19. I know dating is haram, and my parents are strict and won’t consider marriage for me now. We feel guilty but struggle to let go.
Is there any ruling that permits staying in contact until marriage?
Answer
Thank you for your question. No, there isn’t. You can only stay in contact with him if you have a marriage contract (nikah), and you should repent from this serious relationship.
Repentance
Please repent sincerely for this haram relationship and show your devotion to your Lord by obeying Him and His Messenger moving forward. Tell him to repent as well and ask each other for forgiveness for disrespecting each other (being in a relationship without marriage). Cease all communication until you are married to him, and the time apart will show you how serious you both are about each other. There will be no baraka (blessings) in this if you don’t stop talking now.
Your Lord is Gracious and ready to accept repentance. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us,
“Allah, Blessed is He and Most High, said: ‘O son of Adam! Verily, as long as you called upon Me and hoped in Me, I forgave you, despite whatever may have occurred from you, and I did not mind. O son of Adam! Were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky, then you sought forgiveness from Me, I would forgive you, and I would not mind. O son of Adam! If you came to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you met Me not associating anything with Me, I would come to you with forgiveness nearly as great as it.’” [Tirmidhi]
Right Man?
I also ask you to consider whether this man is right for you. Being in love doesn’t make him right for you. Does he fulfill the criteria mentioned by the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace)? Remember that one must choose a spouse for religion. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or her piety. Select the pious; may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim] This applies to both genders.
Be sure that you are not following your whims and choosing him for the wrong reasons. The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) told us,
“Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.” [Abu Dawud]
Please be certain that he is best for your deen and dunya.
Options
There are only two options for you. You stop speaking to him and wait for his proposal in four years. If your parents agree, be grateful, get engaged, and try to have a nikah quickly because long engagements lead to many problems.
If they refuse, then you must move on, despite being heartbroken, and find someone else, as he must as well. In that case, don’t ever get into another haram relationship. Only get to know a man with your parent’s knowledge and with the intention to marry. Otherwise, it is a waste of time, disrespectful, and worthless from the start. May Allah Most High facilitate what is right.
Turn to Allah
Ask Allah to help you by praying tahajjud and the Prayer of Need. Pray your prayers on time, and keep away from the haram. Make tawba, and tell him that you must both be patient and wait for marriage if Allah Most High wills it. Take a course on marriage now so that you understand what it entails of rights and responsibilities. May Allah make your affairs easy for you and guide you to what is best for you, deen and dunya.
Please see more details here:
- In Love but Too Young to Marry
- Is It Right to Marry at 15 Without Our Parents Knowing?
- How to Explain the Advantages of Marrying Young to My Family?
- Can I Marry Young as a Convert?
- I Want to Marry Young, but How to Do It in a Non-Muslim Country?
- How Can I Marry My Secret Boyfriend despite Us Both Being Young?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
