How Can I Cope with My Father’s Neglect and Mother’s Pain?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I struggle with my father’s neglect and feel it’s making me bitter. Seeing my mother in pain and my sister’s divorce adds to my distress.

I fear I’ll never marry and often feel hopeless and lost. Is Allah punishing me or teaching me? How can I cope with these feelings and find peace?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your worry, but your Lord is loving, and He is not punishing you; rather you must overcome these fears and take steps to put your life in order

Father’s Neglect

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“It is shockingly wicked for a person to withhold from those he is to provide for.” [Muslim]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best among you to my wives.” [Tirmidhi]

I pray that your father comes to realize that he should strive to emulate the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) in how he treats your mother and that neglecting her will only harm him on the Day of Judgment. You can’t make him change, but you can make dua for his guidance.

Mother and Sister

It is very hard to see a mother and sister in pain, but I urge you to remember that Allah Most High tests those he loves.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace),

“The greatest reward comes with the greatest trial. When Allah loves a people, He tests them. Whoever accepts that wins His pleasure, but whoever is discontent with that earns His wrath.” [Ibn Maja]

The pain that all three of you have is not a sign of rejection from Allah but a sign that He is refining you, strengthening you, and preparing you for something better. Every hardship that we undergo is good for us.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Wondrous is the affair of the believer! All of his affairs are good. This is not the case for anyone except the believer: If something pleasing happens to him, he is grateful, and that is good for him. If something harmful happens to him, he is patient, and that is good for him.” [Muslim]

Turn to Allah

The best way to cope and find peace is to do what Prophet Ya‘qub (Allah give him peace) said:

“I complain of my anguish and sorrow only to Allah, and I know from Allah what you do not know.” [Quran 12:86]

• Pray on time, read and reflect on the Quran.
• Make dua for patience, a righteous spouse, and ease for your family at tahajjud time.
• Use your pain to become the man you wish your father was—strong, kind, and responsible.
• Wait for Allah Most High to answer your dua, and don’t be impatient with his timing: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The supplication of every one of you is granted if he does not grow impatient and say: ‘I supplicated, but it was not granted.’” [Muslim]
• Be there for family, but take care of your own mental and emotional health.
• Read and reflect on the Quran daily, especially Surat Duha (93), as Allah reminds us that He has not forsaken us.
• Prepare yourself for marriage by learning/reviewing your personally obligatory knowledge.

Way Out

Find solace in Allah’s promise in the Quran:

“(…) And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed, Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]

Dua

رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيراً

“My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.” [Quran, 17:24]

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً

“Our Lord! Bless us with (pious) spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]

Please see these links as well:

• Can I Advise My Neglectful and Sinful Father?
• How Not To Let Stress Get You Down. Lessons From The Sunna – Dr. Rania Awaad
• Can You Advise on Navigating My Feelings with a Toxic Family?
• Advice for Those Who Are Still Single After Trying to Get Married for Years
• Can You Advise Me in My Desperation to Get Married?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.