How Can Our Marriage Survive Now That My Husband Discovered My Past?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
After eight years of marriage, my husband recently learned about my past related to my purity before we met. Although I had repented, he is now fixated on it, and our marriage has lost its happiness.
I love him deeply, but he is distant and struggling to cope. How should I handle this situation, and should an ‘alim guide his wife with wisdom rather than dwelling on the past?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with the pain you both feel, but if you repent sincerely, your past should not define your present, and if Allah can forgive you, why can’t he? Jarir bin Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:
“Whoever does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him.” [Tirmidhi]
Capacity to Forgive
Allah’s capacity to forgive is tremendous, and He has asked us to forgive others, especially if we want our Lord to forgive us on the Day of Judgment. Remind him of Allah’s mercy and remind him that we are human, so we sin, but the best are those who repent!
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if you were not to commit sin, Allah would sweep you out of existence, and He would replace (you by) those people who would commit sin and seek forgiveness from Allah, and He would have pardoned them.” [Muslim]
One of the most excellent ranks in Islam is the rank of the penitent. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,
“All of the children of Adam are prone to error (sin), and the best of those who err (sin) are those who constantly repent.” [Tirmidhi]
Your Lord is Gracious and ready to accept repentance. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us,
“Allah, Blessed is He and Most High, said: ‘O son of Adam! Verily, as long as you called upon Me and hoped in Me, I forgave you, despite whatever may have occurred from you, and I did not mind. O son of Adam! Were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky, then you sought forgiveness from Me, I would forgive you, and I would not mind. O son of Adam! If you came to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, and then you met Me not associating anything with Me, I would come to you with forgiveness nearly as great as it.’” [Tirmidhi]
‘Abdallah bin Mas‘ud reported God’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) as saying,
“He who repents of a sin is like him who has committed no sin.” [Ibn Maja]
Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “Say: My servants who have wronged yourselves, never despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” [Quran, 39:53]
Tips
- Give him space to let him process his emotions, but express how much you love him.
- Tell him you regret the pain he’s feeling and that you repented sincerely.
- Remind him of Allah’s mercy and that this world is a place of tribulation.
- Tell him not to let the Devil sway him and destroy this family.
- Turn to Allah with regular prayer and abundant dua at tahajjud time.
- Exert patience, I’m certain that he will come around.
- Make the following dua regularly:
اللَّهُمَّ أَلِّفْ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِنَا وَأَصْلِحْ ذَاتَ بَيْنِنَا وَاهْدِنَا سُبُلَ السَّلاَمِ وَنَجِّنَا مِنَ الظُّلُمَاتِ إِلَى النُّورِ وَجَنِّبْنَا الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ وَبَارِكْ لَنَا فِي أَسْمَاعِنَا وَأَبْصَارِنَا وَقُلُوبِنَا وَأَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَا إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيمُ وَاجْعَلْنَا شَاكِرِينَ لِنِعْمَتِكَ مُثْنِينَ بِهَا قَابِلِيهَا وَأَتِمَّهَا عَلَيْنَا
“O Allah, join our hearts, mend our relationship, guide us to the path of peace, bring us from darkness to light, save us from obscenities, outward or inward, and bless our ears, our eyes, our hearts, our spouses, our children, and relent toward us; Thou art the Relenting, the Merciful. And make us grateful for Thy blessing and make us praise it while accepting it and give it to us in full.” [Abu Dawud]
Please see these links as well:
- My Dream Wife Just Told Me About Her Sinful Past
- How to Look at My Pregnant Wife after Learning about Her Past?
- I Am Heartbroken About My Wife’s Troubled Past. Why Did Allah Do This to Me?
- How Does a Wife Forget Her Husband’s Past Zina?
- Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
