How Should Ongoing Emotional Manipulation in Marriage Be Handled?
Answered by Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat
Question
How should ongoing emotional manipulation in marriage be handled Islamically?
Answer
I pray you are well.
Emotional Manipulation Is a Form of Injustice
Ongoing emotional manipulation is a difficult and painful matter. It is not something light. If emotional manipulation is used to cause someone pain, then it is a form of injustice.
Allah hates injustice in all its forms.
This includes behaviors such as gaslighting, where a person makes their spouse think they are imagining things or are mentally unstable. For example, when someone does something wrong, then denies it and accuses the other of being overly suspicious or unreasonable. These sorts of actions are serious problems and cause real harm.
Involve a Third Party When Necessary
If you are on the receiving end of such treatment and the matter cannot be resolved privately between the two of you, then someone else needs to be involved.
You should speak to a responsible person, such as a trusted family member or friend. The purpose is not to publicize your difficulties, but to seek help in resolving them.
Often, people who engage in such behavior may have other personality issues. This is not always the case, but it can occur. At times, however, a person may change simply by being made aware of their actions, especially if they are clearly shown how much pain they are causing or that their behavior could lead to the complete breakdown of the marriage.
So one should say clearly, “I cannot continue like this. What you are doing causes me pain.” If they do not listen, then explain that you will involve someone else because the issue cannot be resolved alone.
There comes a point when a couple must admit they cannot fix the problem themselves.
Identifying the Root Cause
It is understandable that people do not want others to know about their marital struggles. No one wants to expose personal difficulties. However, involving a third party does not mean advertising the issue. Rather, it can be a means of help.
A neutral person can step in and ask, “What is the real problem?” Often, what appears to be a long list of grievances is not the actual root cause. Sometimes the real issue is that one spouse does not spend enough time with the other. From there, reactions and counter-reactions develop. One party does something, the other responds, and then the first becomes upset at the response. When the matter is broken down carefully, it may trace back to a single underlying issue.
If that root cause is addressed, many secondary problems fall away.
When couples seek help, they often come with many past incidents and accumulated grievances. These need to be carefully sifted through. Some matters may have caused pain, and that pain should be acknowledged, but not every past detail is relevant to solving the present issue. The goal is to identify and resolve the core problem.
Sometimes, couples cannot do this on their own. In such cases, they should find someone they respect and are likely to listen to, and involve them in the process.
It does happen that once the root issue is identified and corrected, the marriage begins functioning properly again.
And Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim
Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began studying Arabic Grammar and Morphology whilst studying for a degree in English and History. After graduating, He traveled to Damascus and studied Arabic, Hanafi Fiqh, Usul al-Fiqh, Theology, and Logic with Shaykh Adnan Darwish, Shaykh ‘Abd al-Rahman Arjan al-Binsawi, Shaykh Husayn Darwish, Shaykh Muhammad Darwish, the late Shaykh Rashad Shams, and others. He then moved to Amman to continue his studies in those fields, as well as in Tafsir, Quranic Sciences, Hadith Methodology and Commentary, Prophetic Biography, Prophetic Perfections and Traits, Rhetoric, Arabic Literature, and Tajwid. His teachers include Shaykh Ali Hani, Dr. Hamza al-Bakri, Dr. Salah Abu al-Hajj, Dr. Mansur Abu Zina, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, Shaykh Ahmad Jammal, and others.
