Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I am an introverted person. From a young age, I wanted marriage, but I pursued my education and stayed away from the haram with Allah’s blessing. I knew marriage was the only way to deal with desires, and I shouldn’t marry until I could provide. It wasn’t easy to restrain, but I did. Then I moved to the West and settled. I live alone, and it’s tempting here.
I decided to get married, so I got engaged and had my nikah, but the wedding had been delayed for a couple of years. My wife and I don’t know much about each other, and we barely talk because she believes we should keep apart until the wedding.
I don’t want to sin, but it’s getting so hard. I cry and don’t know what to do or whom to talk to. Is there any du’a that I can make because I know only Allah can help?
Your question saddened me, and I feel much empathy for your struggles. Allah is the Giver of success and has given you victory in restraining your desires. May He reward you amply for that and continue to provide you with success in everything you do.
It is correct that you have a nikah with your wife, so there is no problem with you talking to her and getting to know her better. I am unsure how you can convince her, but you are both halal to each other.
This is a great time to feel connected to her so you can enjoy your time with her better after the wedding. Perhaps you can ask her to look at this website and find the answers she is seeking Islamically. Ask her if her parents are preventing her; maybe they don’t understand that it’s OK for you to talk. Then you would have to convince them first.
The first thing is to lower your gaze on women and avoid TV shows, music videos, or movies that freely expose one to naked women and lewd behavior. This temptation will undoubtedly make things worse.
Besides this, the best thing you can do is fast, according to the Prophet’s advice (Allah bless him and give him peace). The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry should marry because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e., his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse, etc.), and whoever is not able to marry should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power. “[Bukhari] Fast at least twice a week, you will think about your dinner instead of your desires.
Exercise every day, go for a jog, play a sport, or lift weights. Get in shape, and build some muscle. Make sure you sweat and cut down on red meat, as this increases one’s desire.
Prepare Yourself for Marriage
Also, prepare yourself for marriage. You have six months ahead; take a free course at Seekers on the spirit of marriage, and learn your rights and obligations in it. Take other courses, such as how to raise children and something on purification.
Another perfect outlet is friends. Good religious friends are so important in times like this; they give you relief from stress, you can talk to them, you can invite them for food or go to their place. They can be a man’s best remedy. Please reach out to some good people you know and initiate some socializing; it will go a long way in sha Allah. Our religion is social, so it would do you some good if you could fight your introverted nature and see people more.
Seek Assistance from Allah Most High
Last but not least, make du’a. Allah is the All-hearing, All-Knowing. Get up before fajr, and ask Allah to help you through this tough time. Pray the Prayer of Need and tahajjud.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “When half of the night or two-thirds of it is over. Allah, the Blessed, and the Exalted descends to the lowest heaven and says: Is there any beggar so that he be given? Is there any supplicator so that he be answered? Is there any beggar of forgiveness so that he be forgiven? (And Allah continues it saying) till it is daybreak.” [Muslim]
Also, see the links below. May Allah give you prosperity and guidance in every step of your life.
Controlling Sexual Desires When Marriage Is “ut on Hold””
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.