Is It Sinful to Refuse Intimacy with One’s Husband Due to One’s Child’s Distress?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
Is it sinful for a wife to avoid sleeping with her husband without a valid reason, and is it correct to say she will go to Hell for this? What if she avoids him due to her child’s severe emotional distress?
Answer
Thank you for your question.
I empathize with the pain you feel for your child, but I urge you to be open with your husband and deal with your stress in such a way that doesn’t make your life more stressful.
Refusing Intimacy
This is the well-known hadith of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace),
“If a husband calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he sleeps angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
However, this doesn’t mean she is going to Hell if she has a valid excuse; rather, this hadith applies to a woman who intentionally harms and neglects her husband. You and your Lord know your situation best, and you must decide if your emotional distress or trauma truly prevents you from being intimate with him.
Mercy
Allah Most High has told us in the Quran,
“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.” [Quran, 30:21]
Islam urges spouses to be merciful and compassionate and to work together to solve problems. If you are not available for your husband, emotionally or physically, sit down and talk to him and ask for his understanding. Be vulnerably honest. Intend to be there for him when you are able. That being said, you might find that being intimate with your husband now will help you. If you have a strong bond with him and think of it as stress relief, or simply a good deed, you might feel better able to face your challenges as a team.
Tips
- Turn to Allah during this difficult time with regular prayer, tahajjud, dua, the Prayer of Need, and dhikr.
- Spend time with your husband to bond, pray together; and go out for walks together, get coffee together, so you have a strong connection outside the bedroom.
- Speak to a local imam or elder for advice, and consider seeing a professional therapist or psychotherapist about your child’s issues.
Dua
Please make this dua of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) regularly, and the dua of Prophet Moses (Allah bless him) below it:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِ وَهَمْزِهِ وَنَفْخِهِ وَنَفْثِهِ
“O Allah, I seek refuge in You from the accursed Satan, from his whispering, his prompting (arrogance), and his evil poetry (insinuations).“ [Ibn Maja]
رَبِّ إِنِّي لِمَا أَنزَلْتَ إِلَيَّ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَقِيرٌ
“My Lord, I am in absolute need of the good You send me.” [Quran, 28:24]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
